Tuesday | March 3, 2015
CAP NEWS SATIRE EMAIL

It's CAP News satire in bite-sized email format! And it's free!

For those who take small bites, we offer our critically acclaimed CAP News Daily, now in its 17th year of publication, delivered each weekday morning.

And for those who like to shove the entire cookie in their mouth all at once, we now offer the CAP News Weekly, delivered every Monday.

We're questioning the amount of money we paid that independent marketing firm to come up with the names for each email offering.

Thanks for visiting, and be sure to tell a friend. Because nobody should have to endure this alone.

PRIVACY NOTICE: CAP News will not distribute or otherwise disseminate your email address to any third parties, including but not limited to spammers, hackers, gypsies and thieves.

However, should the whole "satire" thing fail, we reserve the right to someday try to sell you ink jet cartridges and phentermine diet pills, because word has it people can actually make money on the Internets.

In all seriousness, however, the only way illicit parties will get your email address from CAP News would be to pry it out of our cold, dead hands.

Your information is safe with us as long as we're not cold and/or dead.

For the actual legal jargon, please see our disclaimer page.

CAP NEWS TESTIMONIALS
  • "I laughed so hard that I went home and beat my dog."
         -- Devin R, Austin
  • "You guys made me laugh out loud. And that's not easy to do without a mouth."
         -- Ned J, Carson City
  • "You guys put the 'f' in laugh. And then my spellchecker took it out."
         -- Carly P, Milwaukee
  • "My brother Joey said your site was funny. Now I know why he's institutionalized."
         -- Esther M, Seattle
  • "You're as funny as a box of rocks. Especially if that box falls on my ex-wife."
         -- Oliver P, Baltimore
  • "You guys are the funniest thing to happen to comedy since the word 'fez'!"
         -- Frankie L, Cleveland
  • "I never said any of those things you wrote. Well, okay, maybe a couple of them."
         -- President Barack Obama
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «»
White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «»