Saturday | May 28, 2016
Bono Says From Now On, He's All About Bono

DUBLIN (CAP) - As U2 works their way through Leg 3 of their U2-360 tour, lead singer Bono says he's done with philanthropy and will now spend his spare time "looking out for No. 1."

"I'm done saving the world," said the U2 frontman this week. "I'm a rock star and I'm going to start living like one. The third world can reduce its own bleedin' debt."

Through his publicist, Bono has announced his intention to do the following during the band's stops in Buenos Aires and Sao Paulo:

1) Wreck a hotel room;

2) Ingest copious amounts of illegal substances;

3) Sleep with groupies who are not his wife;

4) Do a "half-assed" job on his column for the New York Times.

"Why should Maureen Dowd be the only one who gets to phone it in?" asked Bono.

Though the announcement has surprised and disappointed some, others have been supportive of Bono's decision.

"It's about feckin' time," said fellow Irish rocker Van Morrison in a rare interview. "He's got everyone thinking that if you're a singer and you're from Ireland all you want to do is give endless interviews about ending world hunger and curing AIDS. My phone's ringing off the hook with requests to talk to these flaming liberal arse-holes."

Then he added, "Present company included!" before emitting a guttural grunt and slamming his phone down with enough force to knock this CAP News reporter unconscious.

Bono has even reportedly been spending his off hours with more traditional rockers in the hopes of getting up to speed in the rock n' roll debauchery department.

"Frankly, I'm not sure he's cut out for it," said Motley Crue singer Vince Neil, who tried to explain to Bono the concept of getting "serviced" by groupies before going on stage. "He thought I was talking about community service, like picking up trash on the highway or some shit like that."

And Bono's bandmate, bassist Adam Clayton, says that Bono is "full of guff."

"He does this every time we're out on tour," says Clayton. "Usually he wrecks one hotel room, then feels so guilty he pays to have it done over twice as grand, and then foots the bill for a homeless family to move into it for the rest of the year.

"As for groupies, he hasn't looked at a woman other than Alison [Hewson, his wife] since he was about 14," said Clayton. "Once this Molly took her shirt off in front of him and he just covered her up with this authentic Russian shawl someone had presented him with at the last World Economic Forum.

"Then he went home and made love to his wife and bought her a Porsche," Clayton added.

"Don't listen to him! This time I'm really going to let loose!" said Bono when told of Clayton's claims, hoisting a dusty, unopened bottle of tequila over his head. "I'm not even going to return all those calls from the Nobel Prize committee, probably!"

Meanwhile, Guns 'N Roses frontman Axl Rose has announced his intention to end world hunger by 2012.

- CAP News Staff

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