Saturday | December 20, 2014
Bill Would Ban Masturbating While Driving

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The habits of thousands of American drivers could be changing as early as next year if paperwork filed by Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-OK) can gain traction in the Senate. The proposed bill would ban two-handed masturbation while behind the wheel.

"You need at least one hand to operate a motor vehicle," Inhofe told the Washington Post. "And if you can't take care of the rest of your business with just one hand, then perhaps you shouldn't be driving."

While Inhofe's proposal would ban only two-handed masturbation, others say they would like to see an outright ban on self-pleasurement while in the driver's seat. As such, some lawmakers fear the bill could wither and die before it ever sees the light of day.

"One hand or two, jacking off while driving is dangerous," said Sen. John Walsh (D-MT). "It takes someone's attention away from the road for those precious seconds when the feeling of elation rushes through your loins.

"And if you aren't paying attention, the results can be devastating," said Walsh. "And messy."

Many states have laws that ban negligent driving, which technically covers any driving behavior that could endanger other people or property. However, the legislature has been hesitant in the past to put specific restrictions on any sexual activity conducted within the confines of a vehicle during operation.

"Listen, our lawmakers are quite cognizant of the hypocritical factor," said one senator's aide who spoke to CAP News on the condition of anonymity. "So as this bill gains public momentum, I think you're going to find more and more Congressman moving out of their vehicles and into public restrooms.

"Really, it's just smart politics," the aide added.

A similar measure making its way through the House of Representatives seeks a total ban on such sexual practices for teenage drivers, easing back to one hand at age 21 and totally removing any restriction by age 25.

- CAP News Staff

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Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «»