Tuesday | September 1, 2015
Piggy Slaying Raises Ethics About Hunting Muppets
Jefferson Stick proudly holds up his most prized hunting trophy.

FLORENCE, Ala. (CAP) - The slaughter of Miss Piggy by an 11-year-old Alabama boy with a shotgun has led to a national debate over whether it's appropriate to gun down animals who wear jewelry and can speak French, even marginally.

Jefferson Stick of Huntsville was hunting with his father and two guides earlier this month when he killed the famous swine, who had surprised them by jumping out from behind a tree wearing a mauve satin evening gown and pearls and declaring, "Are you boys looking for moi?"

Stick shot the animal eight times with a single barrel shotgun and chased it for three hours through hilly woods before finishing it off with a point-blank shot.

"And it weren't easy, neither, 'cause she kept tryin' to hy-ah me," Stick told reporters as he held up Piggy's head, her long blond locks wound tightly around his pudgy fingers.

"This was a horrible example of cruelty to Muppets," said Daphne Namonovitch of PeTFA, or People for the Ethical Treatment of Felt Animals. "We've always said that if you have to kill a Muppet you should do it quickly and humanely, like all those times Beaker got his head blown off."

The news spread quickly through the Muppet community. "We were shocked and saddened to hear of Miss Piggy's untimely demise," said Muppet spokesman Fozzie Bear. "We thought it was just her career that was dead! Ha-aaah! Wocka wocka wocka!"

Longtime Miss Piggy companion Kermit the Frog declined to comment on the incident, but according to one associate, Sam the Eagle, Kermit looked "noticeably relieved" when he heard the news, before getting into his limo and heading off to his Hamptons estate with Japanese supermodel Erina Yamaguchi.

While noting that all 11-year-olds do have the right to bear arms, "This whole shooting shows a serious lack of quality and moral content," said Sam, adding, "not at all like that time Dick Cheney shot his friend, which was entirely wholesome."

Authorities have also not ruled out the possibility of retribution on the part of the Muppets, especially given that Stick's uncle, Jesse Fender of Blountsville, Ala., was found dead in his trailer earlier this week, apparently beaten to death by drumsticks.

Meanwhile, Stick said Miss Piggy's head will be stuffed and her meat would be made into breakfast sausages that would be devoured by notorious curmudgeons Statler and Waldorf.

"I don't think they'll be overcooked," noted Statler.

"Why is that?" asked Waldorf.

"Because her acting was never well done!" he replied, prompting the duo to fall over each other in hearty guffaws.

- CAP News Staff

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State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «»