Sunday | March 29, 2015
"MTV Cribs: McCain" Starts Filming

NEW YORK (CAP) - Producers for the popular MTV Cribs television program have announced that they have begun filming a series of episodes based on the mansions, condominiums and other properties owned by Republican presidential hopeful John McCain. Left unanswered was when they would finish.

"At this point, we just don't know," said Estelle Lansing, a spokeswoman for the show. "We've already started shooting places, and plan on going until McCain and his staff don't remember any more. If it takes up a season, two, we just don't know. MTV brass have left the schedule open-ended at this point."

Cribs usually shoots footage of the houses of celebrities, musicians and athletes, referring to itself as the "one-stop shop for living vicariously through others." This is the first time that they will be highlighting a politician's pads, and it's off to a rocky start. The show was thrown a bit of a scheduling loop recently when John McCain admitted he didn't know how many houses he had.

"We usually give them a couple of days to clean up the drug paraphernalia, get rid of the hookers and dry out a little so they come across as marginally coherent, then we're in and out in an hour," said Alex, a Cribs crew member who spoke recently with CAP News.

"With the Senator, a lot of it is waiting around while he tries to figure out where he lives and then jetting off to shoot it. We're up to seven locations right now, although Cindy (McCain) is getting fuzzy recollections of an island or country she might have bought in the early nineties, so we expect that number to up a bit."

While little information on locations that have actually filmed has been released, CAP News was able to get some exclusive tidbits from our man on the inside, Cribs crew member Alex. These include:

- Stair Chairs. If a McCain house has stairs, it definitely has one of those mechanized chairs that runs along it so that you can "ride" up the stairs without actually having to walk them. What makes McCain's stair chairs unique? They are in the shape of little airplanes, complete with Navy insignia. (Alex: "You should have heard the Senator scream when he was taking that thing from the second to the first floor. Eerie.")

- Vagina-Shaped Swimming Pools. In at least two of his houses, John McCain has had pools custom built in a shape that many adults will find familiar: vaginas. They were constructed by the Pubis Pools Company, out of El Paso, Tx. (Alex: "Senator McCain admitted that he likes to pee in them occasionally, just so everyone knows who's in charge.")

- Bamboo Cells. Every house filmed so far for the Cribs: McCain episodes features a solitary, bamboo box out behind it. (Alex: "He called them solitary confinement, and he said they were for meditation, or to remind him of the more trying times that he overcame. Or for when the cunt was bad.")

MTV Cribs: McCain is scheduled to begin its run early next month on MTV2.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «» AC-DC accepts invite to play Coachella 2015, requests to be off stage by 7pm before they become "cranky and irritable" from being up too late «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «»