Thursday | October 23, 2014
Halloween Extended To Eight Hours For Slow, Obese Kids

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Halloween revelers can look forward to a longer holiday this year thanks to a decision by the National Institute of Tricking and Treating that extends the timeframe during which children can go door to door for candy from three hours to eight. Trick or treating will now run from 4pm until midnight.

In its Annual Prospectus on the State of Halloween Festivities, the NITT reports that healthier, fitter children are able to procure 2.3 times as much Halloween candy as their more obese counterparts thanks to their ability to cover more ground in less time. As fallout from President Bush's "No Child Left Behind" act, the NITT was tasked with leveling that playing field.

"We understand a longer window puts an extra burden on those handing out candy," said NITT spokesperson Sherwood Boehlert. "But really, this holiday is for the kids.

"Especially the fat ones," he added.

Research has shown that most obese children are winded by the time they get to the top of their driveway, let alone around their neighborhood to collect candy. The NITT believes an expanded window gives them the opportunity to sit and rest as needed, and then continue on their merry way.

"And if they partake of some candy while they're resting, it will give them that little burst of energy they need to make it to the next handful of houses," said Boehlert. "It's a self-sustaining model that could essentially allow them to trick or treat for days on end."

According to the NITT, obese children are already at a disadvantage because store-bought costumes typically do not fit and instead of looking like Sexy Tween Prostitute, they look like Retired Carnival Belly Dancer. They hope that being able to collect more candy will help restore some of that self confidence.

"You can say that we're enabling and not helping, but that train left the station a long time ago," said Boehlert. "The fact is that sad fat kids grow up to be sad fat adults.

"If you could put a smile on their pudgy little chocolate smeared faces one day a year, wouldn't you want to do that?" he asked.

In its continued attempts to cater to the lowest common denominator, the NITT is also considering a complete overhaul of the trick or treating experience that would involve parents going door to door delivering candy to children so they don't even have to "get their lazy asses off the couch." Costumes would be optional, as would actually answering the door.

- CAP News Staff



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