Friday | February 27, 2015
Clinton Says Korea Must End Provocative Sex Acts
Oh, those crazy Koreans and their practical jokes.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Fresh off her first trip to Asia as Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton had some harsh words for Korean leaders as she re-adjusted to the eastern time zone, telling Kim Jong Il to end his "provocative sex rhetoric" against her, every female on her diplomatic team, and South Korea.

"You may undress me with your eyes, but do not rub me with your thighs," Clinton said during her first press conference following the trip. "Unless you are willing to make concessions with South Korea, then I am not willing to make flippy floppy with you."

Political pundits credit Clinton's long battle with frigidity for her ability to remain stalwart in the face of such overt sexual aggression. According to one of Clinton's aides, the former first lady's first meeting with Kim Jong Il took place behind closed doors with the North Korean leader's pants around his ankles and Clinton imploring him not to conduct any ballistic missile tests.

"He kept calling himself Long Jong Il, but I can tell you that he was not," said the aide. "Hillary handled everything very well, even when he had a stroke right in front of her. So to speak."

The Obama administration's position on diplomatic carnal knowledge marks a decidedly different approach from the Bush White House, which attempted multiple times to broker peace in the Mideast by whoring out Condoleezza Rice. Even former President Bill Clinton emblazoned a sharp contrast to Barack Obama's sexual policies.

"We cannot continue to adhere to the, uhh, failed sexual agenda of the Bush administration," President Obama said. "Sending someone as, uhh, sexually indiscriminate as Condoleezza Rice is tantamount to extolling the propensity of the hierarchical chutzpah for wide-ranging diabolicalness in the, uhh, Middle Eastern region.

"By sending Secretary of State Clinton to the, uhh, Far East, we know that she will come back as dry as when she left," Obama added.

Despite continued threats of aggression by their neighbor to the north, South Korea Foreign Policy Director Si Mah Hwong said his country has long supported bisexual talks with North Korea, "so we can fuck them as much as they've been fucking us all these years," he said.

It is unclear if perhaps something may have been lost in translation.

- CAP News Staff

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