Thursday | December 18, 2014
Clinton Says Korea Must End Provocative Sex Acts
Oh, those crazy Koreans and their practical jokes.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Fresh off her first trip to Asia as Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton had some harsh words for Korean leaders as she re-adjusted to the eastern time zone, telling Kim Jong Il to end his "provocative sex rhetoric" against her, every female on her diplomatic team, and South Korea.

"You may undress me with your eyes, but do not rub me with your thighs," Clinton said during her first press conference following the trip. "Unless you are willing to make concessions with South Korea, then I am not willing to make flippy floppy with you."

Political pundits credit Clinton's long battle with frigidity for her ability to remain stalwart in the face of such overt sexual aggression. According to one of Clinton's aides, the former first lady's first meeting with Kim Jong Il took place behind closed doors with the North Korean leader's pants around his ankles and Clinton imploring him not to conduct any ballistic missile tests.

"He kept calling himself Long Jong Il, but I can tell you that he was not," said the aide. "Hillary handled everything very well, even when he had a stroke right in front of her. So to speak."

The Obama administration's position on diplomatic carnal knowledge marks a decidedly different approach from the Bush White House, which attempted multiple times to broker peace in the Mideast by whoring out Condoleezza Rice. Even former President Bill Clinton emblazoned a sharp contrast to Barack Obama's sexual policies.

"We cannot continue to adhere to the, uhh, failed sexual agenda of the Bush administration," President Obama said. "Sending someone as, uhh, sexually indiscriminate as Condoleezza Rice is tantamount to extolling the propensity of the hierarchical chutzpah for wide-ranging diabolicalness in the, uhh, Middle Eastern region.

"By sending Secretary of State Clinton to the, uhh, Far East, we know that she will come back as dry as when she left," Obama added.

Despite continued threats of aggression by their neighbor to the north, South Korea Foreign Policy Director Si Mah Hwong said his country has long supported bisexual talks with North Korea, "so we can fuck them as much as they've been fucking us all these years," he said.

It is unclear if perhaps something may have been lost in translation.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE world NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2014 BY CAP NEWS
Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «»
Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «»