Sunday | May 29, 2016
Pitt, Jolie Reported To Adopt Extra Terrestrial

NEW ORLEANS (CAP) - Late-night revelers in The Big Easy lately have been seeing strange lights in the skies over the city's historic French Quarter, and some of them may not just be attributable to a potent combination of bourbon and gumbo. Some New Orleanites think Angelina Jolie may be casting her adoption net a little further a-field for child number seven.

"Lordy, it's a space ship, bringing that Angelina Jolie a UFO," said longtime resident Ella Bonaparte. "Unidentified Foreign Orphan, that's what it be.

"I see it here just last week, this big light in the shape of a stork, hovering over all them fine houses," Bonaparte said. "She gots herself a black one, and a white one, and a brown one, and a buncha sort of off-tan ones. Why not a green one?"

While New Orleans officials are pointing to noxious fumes from undiscovered Katrina bodies or sporadic flash-fires on the Mississippi River as probable causes for the lights, a coalition of UFO and celebrity watchers says evidence is mounting that ET Jolie now crawls amongst us.

"There's the Welcome to Earth cake she ordered five weeks ago, and the custom-knit three-finger mitties she bought at the Baby Gap earlier this month," said Martians and Marilyns Movement (MAMM) co-founder Stu Everall.

"And she wears a vial of green liquid or blood or something around her neck now, don't forget that," chimed in MAMM's other co-founder Sarah Teal. "The space ship is just icing on the cake."

When reached for comment, Angelina Jolie would neither confirm nor deny her alien adoption, but CAP News was able to record the following interesting exchange:

CAP NEWS TRANSCRIPT

JOLIE: Hold on a second. Klaatu barada nikto. Klaatu barada nikto! Dammit Brad, could you get off your ass and do something before he fucking--

PITT: I'm on it. Klaatu barada nikto! Klaatu barada nikto!

JOLIE: Thank you, sweetie. Now, where were we...

Citing long-standing policy, North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) also refused to comment on the New Orleans UFO sightings.

"Unless it's an ICBM getting ready to FUBAR your day or Santa Claus, we can't discuss it, no sir," said the NORAD representative.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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