Sunday | March 1, 2015
Google Purchases The Earth For Record $590.6 Billion
A look at Google's new Earth site, which will be our portal into everything we do.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. (CAP) - Search engine firm Google has agreed in principle to acquire the planet Earth for a record $590.6 billion in cash and assets. The takeover tops Google's 2011 deal for the mobile telecom giant Motorola for a paltry $12.5 billion.

"With the completion of our Google Earth project, we have analyzed every square mile of this beautiful planet and are poised to take Google to a whole new level," Google co-founder and president Sergey Brin said in a prepared statement. "The world at large will not be able to sneeze without Google knowing about it, and we believe that's a good thing."

The acquisition marks the single largest purchase of a planet with inhabitants since such records were kept in 1922, and is expected to be finalized within two months. Reports have also surfaced that Microsoft is concerned over the purchase and that it is prompting regulators to probe into antitrust issues linked with the deal.

"This proposed acquisition raises serious competition and privacy concerns in that it gives the Google-Earth combination unprecedented control over our lives," said Brad Smith, Microsoft's Senior Vice President and General Counsel. "And you know damn well Microsoft wants a piece of that pie. What the hell's left for us? One of Saturn's moons?"

However, Google officials defended their company against the allegations, likening it to the analogy of the pot and the kettle. "Listen, don't you guys have a virus to go patch or something?" quipped Brin.

"Our employees are always saying how great it is to work for Google," said Brin in sit-down interview with CAP News. "And now everyone will get a chance to see how great it is because all 6.5 trillion people on Earth are basically our employees now. Cool, huh?"

Brin said Google's goal is to "make the world better - less intrusive, more effective, and more useful." He said the company is also working on a new filtering technology for the world and "is very close to turning this on." He wouldn't elaborate on just what content might be filtered, but did wink when CAP News mentioned the Middle East.

In other news related to Google, it has also announced a long-term agreement with Christianity's supreme being God, enabling Google to begin research for its much anticipated Google Heaven online imaging service.

- CAP News Staff

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Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «» Welfare recipients throughout the country are protesting increases to the minimum wage, saying "it's not fair" for states to make it so enticing for them to try to find jobs «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «»