Friday | November 21, 2014
Google Purchases The Earth For Record $590.6 Billion
A look at Google's new Earth site, which will be our portal into everything we do.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. (CAP) - Search engine firm Google has agreed in principle to acquire the planet Earth for a record $590.6 billion in cash and assets. The takeover tops Google's 2011 deal for the mobile telecom giant Motorola for a paltry $12.5 billion.

"With the completion of our Google Earth project, we have analyzed every square mile of this beautiful planet and are poised to take Google to a whole new level," Google co-founder and president Sergey Brin said in a prepared statement. "The world at large will not be able to sneeze without Google knowing about it, and we believe that's a good thing."

The acquisition marks the single largest purchase of a planet with inhabitants since such records were kept in 1922, and is expected to be finalized within two months. Reports have also surfaced that Microsoft is concerned over the purchase and that it is prompting regulators to probe into antitrust issues linked with the deal.

"This proposed acquisition raises serious competition and privacy concerns in that it gives the Google-Earth combination unprecedented control over our lives," said Brad Smith, Microsoft's Senior Vice President and General Counsel. "And you know damn well Microsoft wants a piece of that pie. What the hell's left for us? One of Saturn's moons?"

However, Google officials defended their company against the allegations, likening it to the analogy of the pot and the kettle. "Listen, don't you guys have a virus to go patch or something?" quipped Brin.

"Our employees are always saying how great it is to work for Google," said Brin in sit-down interview with CAP News. "And now everyone will get a chance to see how great it is because all 6.5 trillion people on Earth are basically our employees now. Cool, huh?"

Brin said Google's goal is to "make the world better - less intrusive, more effective, and more useful." He said the company is also working on a new filtering technology for the world and "is very close to turning this on." He wouldn't elaborate on just what content might be filtered, but did wink when CAP News mentioned the Middle East.

In other news related to Google, it has also announced a long-term agreement with Christianity's supreme being God, enabling Google to begin research for its much anticipated Google Heaven online imaging service.

- CAP News Staff

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Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» Kmart asks employees to celebrate Thanksgiving the weekend before so they can work on Thanksgiving itself «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Quarterback Peyton Manning asks to join Indianapolis Colts "just for this week" so he can try one more time to beat the Patriots «» Military enlistment skyrockets as thousands seek free meals at Denny's and Golden Corral on Veteran's Day «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «»