Monday | December 22, 2014
Kucinich To Give Major Speech On Alien Relations
File photo of a strange extra-terrestrial being with a bulbous head and protruding eyes, and an alien in a tube

CLEVELAND (CAP) - With his Ohio seat in the Congress now seemingly solidly, yet somewhat amazingly, secure for another two years, frequent Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich plans to return back to the nomination race beginning with what his "supporters" are billing as a "major speech" on U.S.-alien relations.

Seeking to wrest the spotlight from Barack Obama's landmark speech on race relations in the U.S. earlier this week, Kucinich claims he will address the issue that is "not only the defining issue of our time, but the defining issue of a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away."

Kucinich admitted to moderator Tim Russert during a debate on Oct. 30 that he saw "an unidentified flying object ... okay, I saw something," while in the presence of Shirley MacLaine many years ago.

It was a costly acknowledgement for Kucinich, who immediately fell from .07 percent to .03 percent in national polls of likely Democratic voters. But now that Obama has taken on race relations in the country to rave reviews for his frankness and boldness on the issue, Kucinich believes it is time to discuss the future of "White, Black, Brown and Little Green Men" in America.

In an except from the speech, Kucinich pointedly confides: "No more could I disown the hovering object I saw with Ms. MacLaine than I could disown my own grandmother, who admitted to me that she would be afraid when someone with large, Vulcan ears such as mine would pass her on the street."

The reaction to the upcoming speech was swift and decisive. Presumptive Republican nominee John McCain was not complimentary:

"With respect to aliens," McCain said, while trying to solidify his conservative credentials, "now that I am running for president, I have come to believe we have to round them all up and ship them back to where they came from. Then we have to build a fence to keep them out."

Following which, Sen. Joe Lieberman leaned over McCain's shoulder and subtly clarified: "Not those kinds of aliens, Senator."

McCain then quickly corrected himself and went out back to take a nap.

Kucinich proclaimed the speech would be "the most significant speech on Alien Relations in America of our time." When advised it would be the only significant speech on Alien Relations in America of our time, Kucinich brashly responded: "Obviously, you've never seen the Stargate Atlantis. Welcome to my world."

- CAP News Staff

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Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» UPS seeks volunteers to celebrate Christmas on Saturday to buy themselves some wiggle room for delivering packages, says they would "really appreciate it" «» North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «»