Saturday | April 25, 2015
Kucinich To Give Major Speech On Alien Relations
File photo of a strange extra-terrestrial being with a bulbous head and protruding eyes, and an alien in a tube

CLEVELAND (CAP) - With his Ohio seat in the Congress now seemingly solidly, yet somewhat amazingly, secure for another two years, frequent Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich plans to return back to the nomination race beginning with what his "supporters" are billing as a "major speech" on U.S.-alien relations.

Seeking to wrest the spotlight from Barack Obama's landmark speech on race relations in the U.S. earlier this week, Kucinich claims he will address the issue that is "not only the defining issue of our time, but the defining issue of a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away."

Kucinich admitted to moderator Tim Russert during a debate on Oct. 30 that he saw "an unidentified flying object ... okay, I saw something," while in the presence of Shirley MacLaine many years ago.

It was a costly acknowledgement for Kucinich, who immediately fell from .07 percent to .03 percent in national polls of likely Democratic voters. But now that Obama has taken on race relations in the country to rave reviews for his frankness and boldness on the issue, Kucinich believes it is time to discuss the future of "White, Black, Brown and Little Green Men" in America.

In an except from the speech, Kucinich pointedly confides: "No more could I disown the hovering object I saw with Ms. MacLaine than I could disown my own grandmother, who admitted to me that she would be afraid when someone with large, Vulcan ears such as mine would pass her on the street."

The reaction to the upcoming speech was swift and decisive. Presumptive Republican nominee John McCain was not complimentary:

"With respect to aliens," McCain said, while trying to solidify his conservative credentials, "now that I am running for president, I have come to believe we have to round them all up and ship them back to where they came from. Then we have to build a fence to keep them out."

Following which, Sen. Joe Lieberman leaned over McCain's shoulder and subtly clarified: "Not those kinds of aliens, Senator."

McCain then quickly corrected himself and went out back to take a nap.

Kucinich proclaimed the speech would be "the most significant speech on Alien Relations in America of our time." When advised it would be the only significant speech on Alien Relations in America of our time, Kucinich brashly responded: "Obviously, you've never seen the Stargate Atlantis. Welcome to my world."

- CAP News Staff

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Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «»