Thursday | April 2, 2015
Kucinich To Give Major Speech On Alien Relations
File photo of a strange extra-terrestrial being with a bulbous head and protruding eyes, and an alien in a tube

CLEVELAND (CAP) - With his Ohio seat in the Congress now seemingly solidly, yet somewhat amazingly, secure for another two years, frequent Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich plans to return back to the nomination race beginning with what his "supporters" are billing as a "major speech" on U.S.-alien relations.

Seeking to wrest the spotlight from Barack Obama's landmark speech on race relations in the U.S. earlier this week, Kucinich claims he will address the issue that is "not only the defining issue of our time, but the defining issue of a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away."

Kucinich admitted to moderator Tim Russert during a debate on Oct. 30 that he saw "an unidentified flying object ... okay, I saw something," while in the presence of Shirley MacLaine many years ago.

It was a costly acknowledgement for Kucinich, who immediately fell from .07 percent to .03 percent in national polls of likely Democratic voters. But now that Obama has taken on race relations in the country to rave reviews for his frankness and boldness on the issue, Kucinich believes it is time to discuss the future of "White, Black, Brown and Little Green Men" in America.

In an except from the speech, Kucinich pointedly confides: "No more could I disown the hovering object I saw with Ms. MacLaine than I could disown my own grandmother, who admitted to me that she would be afraid when someone with large, Vulcan ears such as mine would pass her on the street."

The reaction to the upcoming speech was swift and decisive. Presumptive Republican nominee John McCain was not complimentary:

"With respect to aliens," McCain said, while trying to solidify his conservative credentials, "now that I am running for president, I have come to believe we have to round them all up and ship them back to where they came from. Then we have to build a fence to keep them out."

Following which, Sen. Joe Lieberman leaned over McCain's shoulder and subtly clarified: "Not those kinds of aliens, Senator."

McCain then quickly corrected himself and went out back to take a nap.

Kucinich proclaimed the speech would be "the most significant speech on Alien Relations in America of our time." When advised it would be the only significant speech on Alien Relations in America of our time, Kucinich brashly responded: "Obviously, you've never seen the Stargate Atlantis. Welcome to my world."

- CAP News Staff

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Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»