Thursday | October 23, 2014
CDC Report Finds Zombie Eating Habits Unhealthy
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ATLANTA (CAP) - A new study by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention finds that most American zombies do not eat the recommended daily amounts of brains and other proteins. Officials say that if the trend is not checked, it could put a large portion of the zombie population at risk for premature re-death.

"What we're finding is a direct correlation between the decrease in the health of the undead and the increase in the obesity of the living," said CDC zombicologist Seth Rowland. "There is simply too much fat in the zombie diet and it's starting to take its toll."

The study, published as The State Indicator Report On Zombie Eating Habits, is the first to detail zombie nutritional data on a state-by-state basis. Other findings concluded that while brain consumption remains high, the dumbing down of America has resulted in tough, stringy brain matter that lacks the necessary nutrional value for today's zombie.

"The situation is especially bad in the South and parts of the Midwest," said Rowland. "We want zombies to eat productive members of society, but it's unlikely they'll migrate away from rural areas on their own. And big city zombie relocation efforts have only met with limited success."

The American Civil Liberties Union, long an advocate of the downtrodden zombie, has launched a massive lobbying effort aimed at increased government regulation, including legislation seeking zombie protection under the Endangered Species Act of 1973. So far, ACLU efforts to have zombie considerations included as part of the healthcare overhaul have met with resistance by members of Congress.

"So we can pass laws that protect wolves in their habitat, but offer up no recourse for zombies?" said pro-zombie lobbyist Rachel DeSanto. "Being eaten is being eaten, I don't care whether it's by a wolf or a zombie. This is an equal rights issue."

Opponents argue that zombie health should be handled at the state level and is not a federal issue. Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) said she and others are not against some level of federal funding for zombie health programs but that each state needs to determine "how to best serve the interests of its zombie population."

"Listen, I don't disagree that zombies need assistance - most of the ones I know can't even open a door without some help," said Warren. "But much like Iowa has no gays, Massachusetts has no zombies. We don't ask you to pay to monitor what our minority group puts in their mouths; don't ask us to pay to monitor yours."

The report also recommends the creation of zombie food policy councils, organizations that would ensure access to fresh brains at both the community and state levels. Currently 14 states have their own programs to help promote consumption of healthier humans.

- CAP News Staff

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