Saturday | March 28, 2015
Google Browser Features Perfect Toast Technology
A page from Google's cartoon pamphlet explaining how Chrome PTT works

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. (CAP) - While fans and critics alike agree that Google's Chrome web browser puts it on par with the likes of Opera and Safara, further insight into the search company's new browser is revealing technological advances that extend well beyond just the browser window. Google officials say the best is yet to come.

"We call it our Perfect Toast Technology," Chrome project manager Brian Rakowski told CAP News from the cafeteria of Building 41 on the Google campus. "But it's not just toast. We're talking meat cooked exactly the way you like, microwave popcorn that never burns - you name it."

Rakowski said the idea behind Chrome PTT is to collect data on a user's browsing habits and over the course of time create a profile of that person regarding their likes, dislikes and daily routines. It's long been rumored that Google gathers search data for its own marketing purposes, but this denotes the first directly-applied use of that data for consumers.

"Is there anything this browser can't do?" said CAP News technology expert Gordie Duvall as he buttered a piece of golden brown toast. "Not only is it faster than IE or Firefox, but after using it for just one week, it already knows how I like my rye versus marble versus Italian bread.

"And you know how difficult it is to get Italian bread toasted exactly the way you like it," noted Duvall in between bites.

The underpinnings of PTT do exist in the current version of Chrome, but the full-fledged features and their incorporation into home wireless technology aren't due to be released to the public for a few months. Rakowski said there are still a handful of features undergoing porn browsing litmus testing, a process whereby PTT tries to create a full persona profile based solely on a user's porn site browsing habits.

"If PTT can cook you the perfect hamburger based just on porn you download and nothing else, then that is the true mark of success," Rakowski said as he held up a well-done burger. "Me, I like mine with a little more pink in the center, so we still have a ways to go."

Although the initial usage of PTT centers around food preparation, Rakowski said once the back office engine is perfected, it will be easy to port the technology to other aspects of home life where habits and preferences play a large role.

"It won't be long before Chrome knows exactly what temperative to set your room at or how hot you like the shower," said Rakowski. "In fact, it's already 99% accurate in telling you whether you like your toilet paper over or under."

Privacy advocates already up in arms over Google's Living Room View maps feature have filed numerous formal complaints about the new browser. However, the complaints are expected to fall on deaf ears since everybody loves Google.

- CAP News Staff

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Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» Apple accidentally unveils new watch at 12pm instead of 1pm after forgetting to turn device forward an hour for daylight savings «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «»