Monday | November 24, 2014
Google Browser Features Perfect Toast Technology
A page from Google's cartoon pamphlet explaining how Chrome PTT works

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. (CAP) - While fans and critics alike agree that Google's Chrome web browser puts it on par with the likes of Opera and Safara, further insight into the search company's new browser is revealing technological advances that extend well beyond just the browser window. Google officials say the best is yet to come.

"We call it our Perfect Toast Technology," Chrome project manager Brian Rakowski told CAP News from the cafeteria of Building 41 on the Google campus. "But it's not just toast. We're talking meat cooked exactly the way you like, microwave popcorn that never burns - you name it."

Rakowski said the idea behind Chrome PTT is to collect data on a user's browsing habits and over the course of time create a profile of that person regarding their likes, dislikes and daily routines. It's long been rumored that Google gathers search data for its own marketing purposes, but this denotes the first directly-applied use of that data for consumers.

"Is there anything this browser can't do?" said CAP News technology expert Gordie Duvall as he buttered a piece of golden brown toast. "Not only is it faster than IE or Firefox, but after using it for just one week, it already knows how I like my rye versus marble versus Italian bread.

"And you know how difficult it is to get Italian bread toasted exactly the way you like it," noted Duvall in between bites.

The underpinnings of PTT do exist in the current version of Chrome, but the full-fledged features and their incorporation into home wireless technology aren't due to be released to the public for a few months. Rakowski said there are still a handful of features undergoing porn browsing litmus testing, a process whereby PTT tries to create a full persona profile based solely on a user's porn site browsing habits.

"If PTT can cook you the perfect hamburger based just on porn you download and nothing else, then that is the true mark of success," Rakowski said as he held up a well-done burger. "Me, I like mine with a little more pink in the center, so we still have a ways to go."

Although the initial usage of PTT centers around food preparation, Rakowski said once the back office engine is perfected, it will be easy to port the technology to other aspects of home life where habits and preferences play a large role.

"It won't be long before Chrome knows exactly what temperative to set your room at or how hot you like the shower," said Rakowski. "In fact, it's already 99% accurate in telling you whether you like your toilet paper over or under."

Privacy advocates already up in arms over Google's Living Room View maps feature have filed numerous formal complaints about the new browser. However, the complaints are expected to fall on deaf ears since everybody loves Google.

- CAP News Staff

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Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over Thanksgiving break due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Quarterback Peyton Manning asks to join Detroit Lions "just for this week" so he can try one more time to beat the Patriots «»