Saturday | August 1, 2015
Google Browser Features Perfect Toast Technology
A page from Google's cartoon pamphlet explaining how Chrome PTT works

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. (CAP) - While fans and critics alike agree that Google's Chrome web browser puts it on par with the likes of Opera and Safara, further insight into the search company's new browser is revealing technological advances that extend well beyond just the browser window. Google officials say the best is yet to come.

"We call it our Perfect Toast Technology," Chrome project manager Brian Rakowski told CAP News from the cafeteria of Building 41 on the Google campus. "But it's not just toast. We're talking meat cooked exactly the way you like, microwave popcorn that never burns - you name it."

Rakowski said the idea behind Chrome PTT is to collect data on a user's browsing habits and over the course of time create a profile of that person regarding their likes, dislikes and daily routines. It's long been rumored that Google gathers search data for its own marketing purposes, but this denotes the first directly-applied use of that data for consumers.

"Is there anything this browser can't do?" said CAP News technology expert Gordie Duvall as he buttered a piece of golden brown toast. "Not only is it faster than IE or Firefox, but after using it for just one week, it already knows how I like my rye versus marble versus Italian bread.

"And you know how difficult it is to get Italian bread toasted exactly the way you like it," noted Duvall in between bites.

The underpinnings of PTT do exist in the current version of Chrome, but the full-fledged features and their incorporation into home wireless technology aren't due to be released to the public for a few months. Rakowski said there are still a handful of features undergoing porn browsing litmus testing, a process whereby PTT tries to create a full persona profile based solely on a user's porn site browsing habits.

"If PTT can cook you the perfect hamburger based just on porn you download and nothing else, then that is the true mark of success," Rakowski said as he held up a well-done burger. "Me, I like mine with a little more pink in the center, so we still have a ways to go."

Although the initial usage of PTT centers around food preparation, Rakowski said once the back office engine is perfected, it will be easy to port the technology to other aspects of home life where habits and preferences play a large role.

"It won't be long before Chrome knows exactly what temperative to set your room at or how hot you like the shower," said Rakowski. "In fact, it's already 99% accurate in telling you whether you like your toilet paper over or under."

Privacy advocates already up in arms over Google's Living Room View maps feature have filed numerous formal complaints about the new browser. However, the complaints are expected to fall on deaf ears since everybody loves Google.

- CAP News Staff

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A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» US State Department confirms that an airstrike has killed top al Qaeda leader Myhstar Belmyhstar in the Syrian port city of Kyrie «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Taylor Swift says she plans to try speed dating because she's short on time and wants to pull together material for a new album «» Rick Perry to announce his 2016 presidential bid during opening statements of his public corruption trial «» Kim Kardashian announces she is pregnant, says she and Kanye plan to name the baby SXSW «»