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Engadget, Gizmodo Users To Stage Throwdown At Flagpole
Engadget, Gizmodo Users To Stage Throwdown At Flagpole

NEW YORK (CAP) - Members of the popular tech websites Engadget and Gizmodo are planning to meet at the flagpole at 3pm tomorrow to determine once and for all which site reigns supreme, according to emails surreptitiously obtained by CAP News. Both sites stopped short of confirming such an event is in the works.

"Alexa numbers, ad dollars, none of that matters right now," said Gizmodo's Brian Lam in an exclusive sit-down with CAP News. "All that matters is that we put the smackdown on Rojas and his cronies and just be done with it."

Lam then smashed a SCSI card on the edge of a table and waved its jagged edges in the air at an imaginary foe. He winced as one of the edges pricked his finger, and then excused himself to go find a band-aid.

"Listen, if it's a fight Lam wants, it's a fight Lam gets," Engadget founder Pete Rojas said as he curled his hand around a roll of quarters. "I will go iPod on his Zune ass and not even think twice."

Rojas and Lam have both accused the other of playing dirty leading up to the big fight, with Rojas claiming that Lam plans to bring in ringers from the streetgangs.com message board because "Gizmodo users don't even know how to make a fist."

Lam has in turn accused Engadget users of illegal mods and overclocking, a practice typically frowned upon in tech gang fights. Lam said he was surprised to hear they're taking such an approach because "sucker punches and pulling hair is more their style."

Bloggers around the internet are abuzz with the news, with some saying they plan to Twitter live from the event as it's happening. A number of SEO's have already approached both sites with promises to make them #1 in search rankings for the term cat fight.

Some emails read by CAP News staffers indicated that if the cops get wind of the event, the venue may be changed from the flagpole to that little grassy area behind the high school near the gymnasium.


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Contributing Writer

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Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «» NASA is backpedaling today, saying the planet they believed they discovered revolving around a distant sun was actually just a plane going overhead. "We were excited because we thought we even found inhabitants," said one astronomer. "Looking back, it did seem odd that the planet's name was tattooed across itself." «» Entrepreneur Richard Branson is assembling a team of adventurers whose mission will be to rebuild the now defunct Comet Ison. "Once we have all our supplies - ice chunks, dirt particles, space debris - we'll launch our rocket toward the comet and rebuild it in mid-flight," said Branson. "Ison will live on!" «» Two cosmonauts who carried the Russian Olympic torch on a spacewalk to promote the upcoming Winter Games accidentally dropped the torch and could do nothing but watch as it floated away. Lamented one official, "We told them to try string around wrist like child with balloon, but do they listen?" «» Researchers at ITT Technical Institute have created a state of the art ironing board that doesn't squeal like fingernails on a chalk board when opened. Next they're working on a series of ironing board covers featuring sports and bikini models to try to entice men to actually do the ironing. «» Apple has launched its own vessel iSkiff into San Francisco Bay in order to compete with Google Barge. "We have no idea what Google's doing out there, but we're going to get out there so we can do it, too," said CEO Tim Cook. "Except, you know, do it better." «» BlackBerry users concerned about the company's future since its sale to Fairfax are being allowed to exchange their smartphones for other items of equal value. The buyback program offers up packs of gum, costume jewelry and other trinkets for the devices, which most agree is more than a fair trade. «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «»