Thursday | October 2, 2014
Intercepted Cargo Of T-Shirt Cannons Linked To McCain
Top-notch intelligence helped U.S. officials tie the illicit merchandise to McCain.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CAP) - U.S. State Department officials announced yesterday that paperwork found in a truck carrying t-shirt cannons at a border checkpoint between Iraq and Iran links the cargo, and a substantial wire transfer of cash, to Republican Sen. John McCain. Figures indicate McCain is struggling to keep up with the fundraising prowess of Democratic presidential frontrunner Barak Obama.

CAP News has learned that an arrangement was made in which the 500 stolen NBA-approved t-shirt cannons would be sold to insurgents in Iran for a $3 million donation to the McCain campaign, which was to be funneled in three installments through a shadow political action committee called "The NBA Bineviolent Fundation." (Documents filed with the Federal Election Commission confirm the misspelling.)

T-shirt cannons are popular novelty-garment launchers used by mascots at sporting events to shoot free clothing into crowds. The cannons found inside the truck had Phoenix Suns' logos on them, and they appeared to be unused.

The driver of the truck, former NBA center Sam Bowie, reportedly told investigators that he was asked to drive the truck from Phoenix to Iraq by someone who works for the McCain campaign. Bowie spent 15 days in Newport News, Va., waiting for directions to the Middle East, he said.

In a related development, three NBA mascots - Sly the Fox (N.J. Nets), Lucky the Leprechaun (Boston Celtics), and Harry the Hawk (Atlanta Hawks) were arrested yesterday morning in a Dunkin Donuts at Newark International Airport before boarding a Delta flight bound for Yemen. Officials say the three were allegedly on their way to provide training to the insurgents at an undisclosed soccer game somewhere in the Persian Gulf. Lawyers for the three had no comment.

It's unclear exactly what insurgents planned to do with the t-shirt cannons once they were in their possession. Regardless, a wire transfer of the first installment of funds had been arranged, and the McCain campaign had already earmarked the money for some banner ads on the official NRA website and "a crapload of hot wings," according to documents seized at campaign headquarters.

Hillary Clinton was giving a speech in Lexington, Ky., when she was told of the reports about the McCain link.

"I wish I had thought of that," said the cash-strapped Democratic presidential candidate. "Two weeks ago I was very close to selling the Saudis 64 crates of unused Bedazzlers, but the damn thing fell through at the last minute. I had them believing they were uranium extractors. The prince, himself, was on the hook for $14 million."

The Arizona senator has yet to make a statement about the seized cargo and he has not been formally charged by federal authorities.

- John Gettings
Contributing Writer

SHARE STORY
MORE world NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2014 BY CAP NEWS