Saturday | April 25, 2015
Intercepted Cargo Of T-Shirt Cannons Linked To McCain
Top-notch intelligence helped U.S. officials tie the illicit merchandise to McCain.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CAP) - U.S. State Department officials announced yesterday that paperwork found in a truck carrying t-shirt cannons at a border checkpoint between Iraq and Iran links the cargo, and a substantial wire transfer of cash, to Republican Sen. John McCain. Figures indicate McCain is struggling to keep up with the fundraising prowess of Democratic presidential frontrunner Barak Obama.

CAP News has learned that an arrangement was made in which the 500 stolen NBA-approved t-shirt cannons would be sold to insurgents in Iran for a $3 million donation to the McCain campaign, which was to be funneled in three installments through a shadow political action committee called "The NBA Bineviolent Fundation." (Documents filed with the Federal Election Commission confirm the misspelling.)

T-shirt cannons are popular novelty-garment launchers used by mascots at sporting events to shoot free clothing into crowds. The cannons found inside the truck had Phoenix Suns' logos on them, and they appeared to be unused.

The driver of the truck, former NBA center Sam Bowie, reportedly told investigators that he was asked to drive the truck from Phoenix to Iraq by someone who works for the McCain campaign. Bowie spent 15 days in Newport News, Va., waiting for directions to the Middle East, he said.

In a related development, three NBA mascots - Sly the Fox (N.J. Nets), Lucky the Leprechaun (Boston Celtics), and Harry the Hawk (Atlanta Hawks) were arrested yesterday morning in a Dunkin Donuts at Newark International Airport before boarding a Delta flight bound for Yemen. Officials say the three were allegedly on their way to provide training to the insurgents at an undisclosed soccer game somewhere in the Persian Gulf. Lawyers for the three had no comment.

It's unclear exactly what insurgents planned to do with the t-shirt cannons once they were in their possession. Regardless, a wire transfer of the first installment of funds had been arranged, and the McCain campaign had already earmarked the money for some banner ads on the official NRA website and "a crapload of hot wings," according to documents seized at campaign headquarters.

Hillary Clinton was giving a speech in Lexington, Ky., when she was told of the reports about the McCain link.

"I wish I had thought of that," said the cash-strapped Democratic presidential candidate. "Two weeks ago I was very close to selling the Saudis 64 crates of unused Bedazzlers, but the damn thing fell through at the last minute. I had them believing they were uranium extractors. The prince, himself, was on the hook for $14 million."

The Arizona senator has yet to make a statement about the seized cargo and he has not been formally charged by federal authorities.

- John Gettings
Contributing Writer

SHARE STORY
MORE world NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» New warning issued by U.S. State Department says Iran just 3 to 4 years away from developing microwave popcorn that doesn't burn when overcooked «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «»
NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» New warning issued by U.S. State Department says Iran just 3 to 4 years away from developing microwave popcorn that doesn't burn when overcooked «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «»