Sunday | April 20, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@CarlLevin #AnAngelInDisguise
Sen. Carl Levin speaks for the animals who don't have a voice.
FROM THE VAULT
April 19, 2007
Clinton Allocates Campaign Funds For Breast AugmentationClinton Allocates Campaign Funds For Breast Augmentation
Fake Advertisement

BASKETBALL

NASA And Sixers Reach Deal For Iverson
Allen Iverson shows off his new NASA Junior Astronaut space helmet after learning of the deal that sent him packing to outer space.
NASA And Sixers Reach Deal For Iverson

PHILADELPHIA (CAP) - Following weeks of speculation regarding the future of Sixers guard Allen Iverson, Philadelphia has announced a trade that sends the troublesome star to NASA in exchange for Discovery astronaut Robert Curbeam and a Mission specialist to be named later.

"Curbeam will be an excellent addition to the Sixers starting lineup," General Manager Billy King said following the announcement of the deal. "We need someone with good hands, and after we watched him hook up that huge truss to the International Space Station the other day, we knew we had our man."

However, King and the Sixers will have to wait a while before they can work their new addition into the lineup, as the shuttle Discovery is not expected to return to Earth until sometime in late December. And even then, Curbeam will need to go through a debriefing and medical examinations before he'll be cleared to play.

"If we can keep the space walks to four or fewer, it's likely the shuttle will be home around Christmas," said Sixers coach Maurice Cheeks. "In which case we hope to have Curbeam ready to go for right after the All Star break."

NASA And Sixers Reach Deal For Iverson
Robert Curbeam

For their part, NASA is looking to add a little notoriety to a space program that has lacked front page headlines in recent years. NASA officials said the addition of Iverson does just that.

"What better way to introduce the space program to a new generation than with one of their idols," said John Shannon, chairman of the Mission management team. "Plus we figure Allen will give us that street cred we've been lacking for quite some time."

Shannon also said he doesn't anticipate Iverson's attitude to be a huge issue due to the "isolation factor" of the space station.

"I mean, when we have bowling night every Wednesday, what's he gonna do? Where's he gonna go?" asked Shannon. "I think being in space will be very therapeutic for Allen Iverson."

Iverson's first task once he arrives at the space station will be to take part in an experiment on the effects of weightlessness on tattoos.


- CAP News Staff

MORE sports NEWS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has signed a deal to appear in every commercial that will air during the Super Bowl, plus a few beforehand. "Who doesn't want Peyton's face on their product? Dude's the new Tom Brady," said one pundit. "I guess that makes Tom the new Tim Tebow." «» Seahawks Cornerback Richard Sherman could miss the Super Bowl after receiving a concussion while trying to squeeze his giant head through a doorway. "When you cram my greatness through a sorry normal door, that's the result you gonna get," he said. "But I'm still better at life than all y'all." «» New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez says he will not appeal his 162-game suspension because he would have only played about 40 games next year anyway. "My body is so damaged from all those steroids that I'd just be on the DL anyhow," he said. "The joke's on them, really." «» The Brooklyn Nets have secured a deal with baby product manufacturer Playtex to provide coach Jason Kidd with a supply of sippy cups for his courtside drinks. "Toddlers are tough customers, but Jason will really put to the test just how spill proof our cups are," noted a company spokesperson. «» Six-year-old Boston Red Sox fan Timmy Greene has finally witnessed his beloved team winning the World Series after waiting his entire life for the opportunity. "I never thought I'd live to see this," Timmy said. "To all my two-year-old St. Louis friends: your time will come." «» Following protests over the Washington Redskins' name and subsequent attempts to rename them the Honkeys, the NFL says it will simply replace all team names with numbers. "How do you like them apples, you overly sensitive pansies," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Now the Redskins' name will match their game: #2." «» The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have improved to 3-0 versus the staph infection MRSA with the diagnosis of cornerback Johnthan Banks. "We can't win shit on the field, but we're killing this disease," said coach Greg Schiano. "As long as we keep sharing bodily fluids, we'll definitely keep this streak going." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «»
    Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has signed a deal to appear in every commercial that will air during the Super Bowl, plus a few beforehand. "Who doesn't want Peyton's face on their product? Dude's the new Tom Brady," said one pundit. "I guess that makes Tom the new Tim Tebow." «» Seahawks Cornerback Richard Sherman could miss the Super Bowl after receiving a concussion while trying to squeeze his giant head through a doorway. "When you cram my greatness through a sorry normal door, that's the result you gonna get," he said. "But I'm still better at life than all y'all." «» New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez says he will not appeal his 162-game suspension because he would have only played about 40 games next year anyway. "My body is so damaged from all those steroids that I'd just be on the DL anyhow," he said. "The joke's on them, really." «» The Brooklyn Nets have secured a deal with baby product manufacturer Playtex to provide coach Jason Kidd with a supply of sippy cups for his courtside drinks. "Toddlers are tough customers, but Jason will really put to the test just how spill proof our cups are," noted a company spokesperson. «» Six-year-old Boston Red Sox fan Timmy Greene has finally witnessed his beloved team winning the World Series after waiting his entire life for the opportunity. "I never thought I'd live to see this," Timmy said. "To all my two-year-old St. Louis friends: your time will come." «» Following protests over the Washington Redskins' name and subsequent attempts to rename them the Honkeys, the NFL says it will simply replace all team names with numbers. "How do you like them apples, you overly sensitive pansies," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Now the Redskins' name will match their game: #2." «» The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have improved to 3-0 versus the staph infection MRSA with the diagnosis of cornerback Johnthan Banks. "We can't win shit on the field, but we're killing this disease," said coach Greg Schiano. "As long as we keep sharing bodily fluids, we'll definitely keep this streak going." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «»