Thursday | August 21, 2014
Walmart To Offer Bail Bonds, Paternity Testing

BENTONVILLE, Ark. (CAP) - Following years of intense consumer profiling and sophisticated demographic trending, Walmart customers can soon expect to get far more from their local Supercenter than just a pedicure, a tire change and a greasy bag of chicken gizzards.

According to sources familiar with jelly shoes and baby-daddies, over the next several months the mega-retailer is expected to unveil countless new services to its capitalist empire.

In addition to Walmart's already highly successful lineup of pseudo-salons, vision centers, and banks you've never heard of, customers can soon expect to have the added conveniences of bail bondsmen, tattoo parlors and paternity testing kiosks, just to name a few.

"We also cash government checks," said customer service clerk, Paula Newberry as she refunded money for a rancid watermelon.

"And we offer convenient money transfers to Mexico," added co-worker, DJ Chunky Ice.

According to Newberry and Chunky Ice, these latest product advancements are largely attributed to consumer reports the company purchased from survey-taking giant, Whorzpuckie International, that pays people to fill out surveys.

"I wanted to do that," noted Chunky Ice. "But I was overqualified on account of my GED."

The business of collecting consumer data is a growing phenomenon. In tough economic times, retailers are clamoring for even marginally good ideas, relying heavily upon companies like Whorzpuckie and valuing the opinions of people like Alabama native, Maynard Perkins.

"The economicals of good surveyin' is widely misunderstanded," explained Perkins, despite a significant lack of teeth. "And, 'cause I'm real good at fillin' out surveys," he continued, "That's how come I get paid for the kinds of things I think about."

Eventually, after several beers and a bag of pork rinds, CAP News was able to ascertain that Perkins, a self-proclaimed UFO expert and permanent resident of Sweaty Meadows RV Camp, earns between $2 and $5 per survey, depending on length and eligibility.

"Roll Tide!" added Perkins.

To better understand the true value of Whorzpuckie reports, CAP News met up with Claude Hopper, Walmart's Director of Quasi-Accurate Information, who noted that while a dentist office wouldn't perform well in a Walmart, there does appear to be a high demand for herpes clinics.

Hopper further explained that Whorzpuckie reports can vary from city to city. "For example, in Los Angeles," said Hopper, "Whorzpuckie data suggests that Walmart should offer liposuction, ankle lifts and two-for-one mole removal, while, in places like Miami, that demand shifts toward do-it-yourself workshops on prison shank construction and identifying the differences between bath salt and crack cocaine."

Although Hopper could not disclose which specific Walmart stores would be offering which of the various new services, he did convey confidence in the company's overall direction.

"Rest assured, we remain committed to helping people save money and live better," said Hopper. "And, if that means avoiding incarceration, disproving paternity or testing for herpes, then that's what we'll help them with."

- Amy Whidden
Contributing Writer

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