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April 12, 2006
U.S. Accidentally Sends Wrong Bolton To IranU.S. Accidentally Sends Wrong Bolton To Iran
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INT'L POLITICS


Dick Cheney Secedes
Dick Cheney Secedes

WASHINGTON-ISH (CAP) - Beltway pundits were universally taken by surprise Wednesday when Vice President Richard Bruce Cheney renounced his US citizenship and declared his intention to create his own country.

"Cheneyvania looks forward to having a strong relationship with King Dick's former country, the United States," said the fledgling state's new Court spokesman, Brit Hume. He spoke to reporters following yesterday afternoon's coronation ceremony.

"We've got her back militarily, culturally, and economically," said Hume. "Upon purchase of a standing army, or the successful culmination of contract negotiations with Blackwater Consulting, we anticipate becoming eager and rabid participants in the Coalition of the Willing."

While many politicians and analysts were caught off-balance by the announcement, some saw it as the natural evolutionary step for a man who has become increasingly politically isolated.

"He's not part of the executive branch, he's not part of the legislative branch, well, what is he?" asked NBC political analyst Maria Flamenco. "With aides quitting all around him or getting hauled off to jail, he must have figured, well, this one's pretty much shot, why not start my own frigging country?

"He's got the experience running one, and his Halliburton kick-back pin-money," said Flamenco. "He should be off the ground and running pretty quickly."

The first order of business in Cheneyvania will be actually selecting a geographical space in which to house it. Several secret bunker locations are reportedly being considered, as is a 30x50 mile section of Iran that has so far not been "dibbed" by any major oil company.

In addition to the official name, several other sovereign identifiers have already been worked out and adopted, including the official motto ("Go fuck yourself") and official bird (a pile of smoldering feathers interlaced with warm buckshot).


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Contributing Writer

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After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» The man whose job it is to hold the 'applause' sign to queue audience members during President Obama's speeches is demanding a pay raise. "My arms still hurt from the State of the Union," Fritz Gorman said. "And I swear Joe Biden just claps whenever he feels like it. Loser." «» Former first lady Hillary Clinton admitted to CAP News that she hasn't showered since 1996, a defensive mechanism she used to keep Bill away. "It was rough smelling that ripe for so long," she said. "But now that I'm 66, I use old lady perfume and that shit masks everything." «» Following his assertion that marijuana is no worse than alcohol, President Obama continued his comparison crusade by suggesting that eating gizzards is no worse than eating chitlins. "Cooked stomach or cooked intestine: what's the difference? They both taste like ass," he noted. "Black people need to do better than that." «» Researchers at MIT have finished calculating President Obama's approval rating, which they say can be obtained by use of the imaginary number i. "We all learned about the square root of negative one in school," said one mathematician. "But to find it applied in the real world is truly spectacular." «» Liz Cheney has announced that despite her carnal desires to continue pushing, she has decided to pull out. While most family members were tight-lipped over the announcement, sister Mary said she didn't think Liz "ever had it in her to begin with" and was likely faking the entire time. «» A new McClatchy-Marist poll finds President Obama's approval rating has soared to the highest of his presidency among deaf Americans following his speech at Nelson Mandela's memorial service. The sign language interpreter at the service was reportedly "signing gibberish" but clearly what he was signing resonated with deaf Americans. «» Following word that he's leaving the Republican Party, Sen. Ted Cruz has announced that he's also leaving the Hispanic race for an ethnicity to be named later. "Time to try my hand at a new race, or even start my own," Cruz said. "I wish Hispanics all the best, though." «» The White House denies rumors that President Obama is using the powers of the NSA to monitor daughter Malia's phone calls. "I am totally not picking up another line, covering the mouth piece, and listening when boys call her," Obama said. "I much prefer to eavesdrop through her bedroom door." «» President Obama was caught hitting on a pregnant woman during a speech in the White House Rose Garden yesterday when she swooned and fell lovingly into his arms. "Talking about Obamacare does have that effect on women," said an aide. "The whole thing had this weird Scandal vibe to it." «»
After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» The man whose job it is to hold the 'applause' sign to queue audience members during President Obama's speeches is demanding a pay raise. "My arms still hurt from the State of the Union," Fritz Gorman said. "And I swear Joe Biden just claps whenever he feels like it. Loser." «» Former first lady Hillary Clinton admitted to CAP News that she hasn't showered since 1996, a defensive mechanism she used to keep Bill away. "It was rough smelling that ripe for so long," she said. "But now that I'm 66, I use old lady perfume and that shit masks everything." «» Following his assertion that marijuana is no worse than alcohol, President Obama continued his comparison crusade by suggesting that eating gizzards is no worse than eating chitlins. "Cooked stomach or cooked intestine: what's the difference? They both taste like ass," he noted. "Black people need to do better than that." «» Researchers at MIT have finished calculating President Obama's approval rating, which they say can be obtained by use of the imaginary number i. "We all learned about the square root of negative one in school," said one mathematician. "But to find it applied in the real world is truly spectacular." «» Liz Cheney has announced that despite her carnal desires to continue pushing, she has decided to pull out. While most family members were tight-lipped over the announcement, sister Mary said she didn't think Liz "ever had it in her to begin with" and was likely faking the entire time. «» A new McClatchy-Marist poll finds President Obama's approval rating has soared to the highest of his presidency among deaf Americans following his speech at Nelson Mandela's memorial service. The sign language interpreter at the service was reportedly "signing gibberish" but clearly what he was signing resonated with deaf Americans. «» Following word that he's leaving the Republican Party, Sen. Ted Cruz has announced that he's also leaving the Hispanic race for an ethnicity to be named later. "Time to try my hand at a new race, or even start my own," Cruz said. "I wish Hispanics all the best, though." «» The White House denies rumors that President Obama is using the powers of the NSA to monitor daughter Malia's phone calls. "I am totally not picking up another line, covering the mouth piece, and listening when boys call her," Obama said. "I much prefer to eavesdrop through her bedroom door." «» President Obama was caught hitting on a pregnant woman during a speech in the White House Rose Garden yesterday when she swooned and fell lovingly into his arms. "Talking about Obamacare does have that effect on women," said an aide. "The whole thing had this weird Scandal vibe to it." «»