Monday | April 27, 2015
Britney Spears Goes 15 Minutes With No Drama

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Reports out of tinseltown say pop princess Britney Spears has managed to last a good 15 minutes without any public displays of drama or the need for authorities to intervene on her behalf. According to Spears' spokesperson, the uneventful time took place while she slept and lasted until she woke up crying for ice cream.

"Britney would like her fans to know that she is now resting comfortably with a bowl of Vienna Mocha Chunk and a little bit of whipped cream," said Katherine Heigl, Spears' last friend and by default her spokesperson. "Okay, you're right, it's actually a lot of whipped cream, and an entire half gallon."

Word of the former diva's period of peace is the first positive news to come out of the Britney camp since she landed the lead role in the stage production of White Trash Musical last fall. However, celebrity pundits say Spears still has a long way to go.

"It's a 12-step process, and the first step is to get the fuck out of our faces for 15 minutes," said Hollywood blogger Lis Fies. "She's like the Whitney Houston of our generation."

In fact, Heigl confirmed to CAP News that Spears does consider herself one of the "Friends of Kate M" after having earned her 15-minute chip for remaining drama-free for that long. However, because of the ice cream incident, she'll now have to start over as she works toward obtaining her 30-minute medallion.

Spears' fall from grace continued recently when her car was impounded after she left it parked in the middle of a Brentwood, Calif. road because of a flat tire. As she stumbled away from the scene, paparazzi who had been following her pointed out that she had left her kids in the backseat of the car.

"God, I can't do anything right by you people," Spears mumbled in response. "I mean, come on, they're in their carseats."

At that point the paparazzi burst out laughing, saying they were "just kidding," that Spears' children weren't actually in the backseat because she had lost custody of them late last year. Many described the look on Spears' face as "priceless, in a Lindsay Lohan sort of way."

- CAP News Staff

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Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «»