Thursday | March 23, 2017
Cleanup Of Solar Energy Spill Underway In Montana

WEST YELLOWSTONE (CAP) - The Environmental Protection Agency and local officials are scrambling to contain a spill at a solar energy farm in Yellowstone Park near Lamar Buffalo Ranch that is dumping thousands of lumens of sunlight back into the atmosphere every minute. Experts call it the worst spill in 22 years.

"Yeah, we started getting calls from park rangers that things were getting pretty bright during the day," said Altair Energy spokesperson Rhett Gartner. "When we went to check out the scene one evening and didn't even need flashlights, we knew there was a problem."

The situation has worsened to the point where residents miles away say they are unable to sleep at night because it is so bright and officials are cautioning everyone to wear sunglasses if they go outside during the day. And average daytime temperatures in surrounding communities have almost doubled.

"If this doesn't prove that global warming is real, then I don't know what does," said self-appointed global warming expert Al Gore. "Does man really want to be responsible for possibly plunging the Earth into eternal light? I doubt it."

The EPA is working tirelessly to cover the solar farm with a number of giant tarps to help block the light but say there is a little they can do about what has already leaked out except wait for it to dissipate. Meteorologists say the spill is even visible from outer space.

"We haven't seen a display like this since Solyndra accidentally installed their solar panels backwards and fed energy back to the sun," said KBZK Chief Meteorologist Mike Heard. "So in a way, this spill is just leveling the playing field."

Alternative energy experts say this could set the solar energy movement back seven or eight minutes, roughly the amount of time it takes for more sunlight to reach the Earth. Fossil fuel proponents say this proves society is not ready to abandon oil just yet.

"See, this sort of thing does not happen with oil, except, you know, when it does," said President of Shell Oil Company Marvin Odum. "Listen, all we have to do is drop gas prices another two cents and people will forget all about your so-called solar energy."

Once the spill is contained, workers will focus on repairing the solar panels, which apparently cracked due to the heat from the sun. They will also install a switch so the whole system can be shut off in the event of any future leaks.

- CAP News Staff

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