Wednesday | October 18, 2017
Scientists Successfully Land Probe In Kim Kardashian's Cleavage
The Philae has landed.

DARMSTADT, Germany (CAP) - Fresh off of their successful launch of a probe onto Comet 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko, German scientists have broken through the other final frontier by successfully landing a probe in between Kim Kardashian's voluminous breasts. They acknowledged a lower than average difficulty level given the size of the target area.

"Brumski! We've been fantasizing about this moment ever since her spread in The Economist," said XYZ. "We know we're boldly going where many men have gone before, but it's nice to be part of the inner circle."

The probe has already begun sending back pictures, which scientists are analyzing with the hope of learning more about the celebrity breast. They say they are not sure how long it will take to analyze the data, and that it could take months before they are able to reach any conclusions.

"If the results are inconclusive, we may have to send a manned mission," said lead researcher Koog Altwegg. "We need to make sure that we are able to wrap our arms around what it is that we are seeing."

Critics of the program say the cost of the project does not justify the grainy close-up photos sent back by the probe, especially when previous fly-bys have produced outstanding hi-res imagery of the entire bosom. They also point out that very little about the bust is a mystery.

"This isn't the dark side of the moon: everyone has seen the damn things," said John Holdren, chief science adviser to President Obama. "With that said, the view from the surface is spectacular."

Scientists who have been studying the Kardashian Breasts say the data returned by the probe confirms what they have observed all along, that neither of the pair has been affected by an increased gravitational pull. Some say the data defies scientific explanation.

"It's going to take a while to sift through all the results and truly understand what we're seeing," said Altwegg. "It's difficult to be productive when everyone's always excusing themselves for a few minutes while studying the data."

Once this mission is completed, scientists hope to secure the funding to be able to send the probe further south for additional analysis. Meanwhile, the European Space Agency's German mission control center reports that it has been flooded with new job applications.

- CAP News Staff

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