Tuesday | March 19, 2024
Obama To Launch Air Strikes Against Osiris, Anubis
Obama contemplates just how to accomplish the seemingly impossible task he has committed to.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Obama has announced plans to undertake a sustained military effort against the Egyptian god of death and resurrection, Osiris as well as his contemporary Anubis, protector of the dead. Obama calls it his "pyramid approach" to taking down ISIS.

"Sure, striking ISIS directly makes sense, because that's what everyone's expecting," Obama said. "But by attacking their afterlife support model, we can hit them right in the deity and they'll never see it coming."

Obama was unable to provide many details on just how the military would wage war against two Egyptian gods, but did rule out sending in ground troops because he wouldn't know exactly where to send them. However, he did acknowledge that Osiris' black-green skin does make him "stand out in a crowd[ed marketplace]."

"But I really think air strikes are our best bet against ethereal beings," he said. "We have so much firepower, we could take out every member of the Egyptian, Greek and Roman mythos and still have some left over for Scandinavian gods."

Sources inside the Pentagon say the Defense Department is a bit baffled how to comply with the president's orders, with some wondering if the Commander-in-Chief has been dipping into the vice president's secret medicine cabinet.

"He wants us to launch airstrikes against Donnie Iris? That guy hasn't had a hit in 30 years," said Joseph Miller. "We may have to just start blowing shit up all over the Middle East because we're really not sure what he's asking for."

Republicans are criticizing Obama's plan of action, saying he cannot launch an attack against a religion, even if it is one no one has practiced in thousands of years. They say an attack on the underworld needs "a hell of a lot" more planning.

"Has our good president sacrificed the blood of a thousand lambs on the altar of the Pharoahs during the autumnal equinox? I think not!" said Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN). "What makes him think he can protect our troops without the blessing of the goddess of lamentation, Nephthys?"

Obama said the airstrikes will commence exactly one fortnight after the waning crescent climbs to the zenith behind the protective shield of the sun god Ra or as soon as he issues the order to begin, whichever comes first.

- CAP News Staff

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