Friday | September 4, 2015
NFL Reduces League Tolerance Of Bullying By Over 17%

NEW YORK (CAP) - A new report released by the NFL shows that the league's new Semi Tolerance Policy is having a positive impact on players and coaches, with tolerance of bullying down 17.7% over last season. That brings the overall tolerance of bullying down to almost 82%.

"Between you, me and the goalpost, we were down, like, 37% but then they announced that Richie Incognito could play again this year," said a league source who asked not to be identified. "In fact, some of the new guys on Tampa Bay have already started giving themselves wedgies in anticipation of him joining the team.

"On the flip side, as long as the NFL doesn't reinstate Arron Hernandez, the league's tolerance of homicidal maniacs should remain below 20%," he added.

The report detailed how some teams are more tolerant of bullying than others, noting that promotions like the Arizona Cardinals' Taunt A Lineman Night are inappropriate. League officials say there is much to be done to correct the disparity between teams with creative marketing departments and those with a conscience.

"We can't have one team charging $3 to pelt the quarterback with rotten tomatoes every time he throws a pick and another team giving away Atomic Wedgie Bobble Heads," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Unless all proceeds benefit the United Way, in which case everybody wins."

Goodell credits an offseason marketing blitz that vowed to "reduce bullying one noogie a time" with the marked improvement in tolerance, but acknowledged the league has a long way to go to become noogie-free.

"We have had 14% fewer asses slapped with wet towels so far this season than at this point last year," said Goodell. "Swirlies, down 23%. Locker stuffing, down 41%. Anything to do with another guy's sweaty jockstrack, down 8%.

"Clearly some habits die hard," he said. "Sweaty Jockstrap Hazing is really in a league by itself."

However, instances of freshman players being picked up and dropped into giant tubs of freezing water have actually increased over last year. Players say that doesn't count as hazing because it's their version of the Ice Bucket Challenge, even though participants aren't participating voluntarily.

When confronted with this, Goodell sighed, pulled out his checkbook, and asked CAP News how much he should make the check to the ALS Association for.

- CAP News Staff

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Los Angeles institutes Shower Shaming, asking residents to rat each other out if anyone wastes water and bathes more than once per week «» President Obama visits Alaska, vows to reunite cast of 'Northern Exposure' for show's 20th anniversary «» Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «»