Monday | January 26, 2015
NFL Reduces League Tolerance Of Bullying By Over 17%

NEW YORK (CAP) - A new report released by the NFL shows that the league's new Semi Tolerance Policy is having a positive impact on players and coaches, with tolerance of bullying down 17.7% over last season. That brings the overall tolerance of bullying down to almost 82%.

"Between you, me and the goalpost, we were down, like, 37% but then they announced that Richie Incognito could play again this year," said a league source who asked not to be identified. "In fact, some of the new guys on Tampa Bay have already started giving themselves wedgies in anticipation of him joining the team.

"On the flip side, as long as the NFL doesn't reinstate Arron Hernandez, the league's tolerance of homicidal maniacs should remain below 20%," he added.

The report detailed how some teams are more tolerant of bullying than others, noting that promotions like the Arizona Cardinals' Taunt A Lineman Night are inappropriate. League officials say there is much to be done to correct the disparity between teams with creative marketing departments and those with a conscience.

"We can't have one team charging $3 to pelt the quarterback with rotten tomatoes every time he throws a pick and another team giving away Atomic Wedgie Bobble Heads," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Unless all proceeds benefit the United Way, in which case everybody wins."

Goodell credits an offseason marketing blitz that vowed to "reduce bullying one noogie a time" with the marked improvement in tolerance, but acknowledged the league has a long way to go to become noogie-free.

"We have had 14% fewer asses slapped with wet towels so far this season than at this point last year," said Goodell. "Swirlies, down 23%. Locker stuffing, down 41%. Anything to do with another guy's sweaty jockstrack, down 8%.

"Clearly some habits die hard," he said. "Sweaty Jockstrap Hazing is really in a league by itself."

However, instances of freshman players being picked up and dropped into giant tubs of freezing water have actually increased over last year. Players say that doesn't count as hazing because it's their version of the Ice Bucket Challenge, even though participants aren't participating voluntarily.

When confronted with this, Goodell sighed, pulled out his checkbook, and asked CAP News how much he should make the check to the ALS Association for.

- CAP News Staff

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NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» Newly released Mueller report says NFL did not even know Ray Rice had a girlfriend, thought he was beating up a hooker in the elevator «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie seeking bids from NFL owners to be their super fan during upcoming playoff games, vows to jump around like a jackass if team wins «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez sues steroid manufacturer, saying his drugs weren't exactly "performance enhancing" as advertised «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «»