Thursday | March 26, 2015
ALS Association Holds Fundraiser For Sno-Cone Makers Union
Scenes like this one may become a thing of the past if the country doesn't band together and make more ice faster.

CALABASAS HILLS, Calif. (CAP) - The ALS Association announced today that they would take a short break from trying to cure Lou Gehrig's disease to host a fundraiser for the Ice Shavers Local 882 Union, which has seen employment among its membership decline by 92% since the start of the ice bucket challenge.

"We just want to help," said ALSA Collective Bargaining Relationship Manager Ralph Norton. "In a way, we're partially responsible for these hard-working Americans being out of work. In another way, we are 100% responsible for them being out of work.

"Which isn't as bad as having ALS, mind you, but it's pretty bad," Norton added. "It's like, in the top 25 of bad things that can happen to someone, besides ALS."

"The issue is that these guys have spent their lives honing one skill - shaving ice and then adding flavored syrup to make snow cones," said ice industry expert Rob Van Warner. "With all the ice that's being used in these bucket challenges, there's simply none left to shave, which means these guys are out of work."

The ALSA says they'll use corporate sponsorship and product placement to fund their ISLU 882 fundraiser early next month, which will be in the form of a corn hole tournament in the parking lot of a local Stuckey's restaurant. This will preclude them from dipping into the estimated $39 billion that they've raised from the ice bucket challenge itself.

"Look, there's nothing we can do to get these guys back to work - that's out of our hands until people stop using up all the ice," said Norton. "But if we can toss some bean bags and help replace some of their missing income, we're willing to do it.

"Plus, one of the guys told me that for 50 bucks he would chug a gallon of cherry snow cone syrup straight-up," he pointed out. "And I definitely want to see that. It's gonna get all kinds of nasty."

ISLU 882 will also be selling t-shirts online with the slogans Shaved Is Better and Ice? Ice? Maybe! on them, with proceeds going to out of work members.

"We just want to get back to our craft," said Van Warner. "You know, shaving sweet treats that people can stick their tongues in and go crazy."

- CAP News Staff

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New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Texas appeals court upholds ruling that bans sale of home abortion kits, says instructional DVD not detailed enough and needs better actors «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Burger King announces plans to remove unhealthy options from kids meals, will offer empty boxes for $1.99 «»