Saturday | August 29, 2015
Obama Deploys Drones, Beavers To Protect Iraqi Dam

MOSUL, Iraq (CAP) - Pres. Obama has announced plans to deploy a fleet of unmanned drones and an army of beavers to the Iraqi city of Mosul to protect that country's major water supply from falling back into the hands of insurgents. The move is being touted as one of the more questionable of Obama's time in office.

"For the last time, we're not sending the beavers there to fight the Sunnis over the dam - that would just be ridiculous," Obama said. "That's what the drones are for. Uhh, that and distracting ISIS away from all the beavers."

While the president would not specify exactly what role the beavers do play, sources inside the White House say they will be used to build a dam further upstream along the Tigris River in order to siphon water away from the militants. Republican critics blasted the plan as "ridonculous" and lacking in basic beaver mechanics.

"All these beavers are supposed to just magically work together like they're, what, the Army Corps of Engineers?" said Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC). "They will need to be properly vetted, trained, and transported. We don't have time for that kind of solution."

Obama defended his plan, noting that a team of beavers working around the clock can build "a hell of a dam" in just a matter of days, something he said he learned during a school project Sasha once completed.

"And we're talking multiple teams of beavers, not just one," Obama said. "I'm comfortable knowing that the future well being of both Iraqi citizens and U.S. military personnel stationed there rests in the hands of those beavers.

"Or, uhh, paws, as it were," he added.

PETA demonstrators took a break from protesting Sea World's new Simulated Whaling Program to voice their concern over Obama's plan. A handful marched in front of the White House holding signs that read, Beavers For Peace.

"How many beavers have to die before we ask how many beavers have to die?" said one protester at a rally in a field across from the White House. "Leave our beavers alone, Mr. President: leave them alone. They're not toys."

Administration officials were also quick to point out that this effort is in no way similar to the episode in which Joe Biden tried to teach monkeys how to submit write-in ballots as part of a scheme to commit election fraud in 2008.

- CAP News Staff

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