Monday | September 26, 2016
Teens Choose Alcohol, Unprotected Sex In New 'Choice Awards'

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Buoyed by their ability to submit ballots anonymously, American teenagers have overwhelmingly chosen Underage Drinking, Risky Sexual Behavior and Peer Humiliation as their favorite things in the 2014 Online Teen Choice Awards. Posting Everything I Do On Instagram came in a distant fourth.

"Not to take anything away from Fox's awards show, but I think we've got the beat on what teens are really choosing," said event organizer Chad McDonald. "Of course girls choose Tyler Hoechlin as the Male TV Scene Stealer when they're limited to five choices.

"But if you let them choose what they really want, I bet they'd much rather be sexting with that cute boy who sits next to them in homeroom," McDonald added.

Parental activist group Mothers Against Everything released a statement condemning the new awards as "a much too accurate portrayal of what idiots our children are." They further reiterated their stance that children should not receive freedom of choice until the age of 27.

"Everyone knows what poor choices teens are making these days," said MAE spokesperson Darlene Fortenski. "But we mothers sleep better at night pretending like we don't.

"Publicly affirming their poor choices only makes us wish we'd had abortions when we had the chance," she added.

Fortenski said the group's other main concern is that poor choices made by teens now, the bulk of which are captured online for posterity, will likely preclude them from any sort of gainful employment later. This in turn results in the children not moving out until well after the aforementioned age of 27.

"My daughter's bedroom isn't going to sublet itself, you know," Fortenski noted.

The MAE splinter group, Mothers Against Too Many Awards Shows, also released a statement saying, "Enough is enough already." They then shook their heads in trademark disapproving fashion.

Healthy Personal Choices and Getting Up Before Noon did not crack the top 10, although some say they could have ranked higher had the teens who voted for those options not fallen victim to those who voted for Peer Humiliation.

- CAP News Staff

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