Wednesday | March 4, 2015
Teens Choose Alcohol, Unprotected Sex In New 'Choice Awards'

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Buoyed by their ability to submit ballots anonymously, American teenagers have overwhelmingly chosen Underage Drinking, Risky Sexual Behavior and Peer Humiliation as their favorite things in the 2014 Online Teen Choice Awards. Posting Everything I Do On Instagram came in a distant fourth.

"Not to take anything away from Fox's awards show, but I think we've got the beat on what teens are really choosing," said event organizer Chad McDonald. "Of course girls choose Tyler Hoechlin as the Male TV Scene Stealer when they're limited to five choices.

"But if you let them choose what they really want, I bet they'd much rather be sexting with that cute boy who sits next to them in homeroom," McDonald added.

Parental activist group Mothers Against Everything released a statement condemning the new awards as "a much too accurate portrayal of what idiots our children are." They further reiterated their stance that children should not receive freedom of choice until the age of 27.

"Everyone knows what poor choices teens are making these days," said MAE spokesperson Darlene Fortenski. "But we mothers sleep better at night pretending like we don't.

"Publicly affirming their poor choices only makes us wish we'd had abortions when we had the chance," she added.

Fortenski said the group's other main concern is that poor choices made by teens now, the bulk of which are captured online for posterity, will likely preclude them from any sort of gainful employment later. This in turn results in the children not moving out until well after the aforementioned age of 27.

"My daughter's bedroom isn't going to sublet itself, you know," Fortenski noted.

The MAE splinter group, Mothers Against Too Many Awards Shows, also released a statement saying, "Enough is enough already." They then shook their heads in trademark disapproving fashion.

Healthy Personal Choices and Getting Up Before Noon did not crack the top 10, although some say they could have ranked higher had the teens who voted for those options not fallen victim to those who voted for Peer Humiliation.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE showbiz NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «» AC-DC accepts invite to play Coachella 2015, requests to be off stage by 7pm before they become "cranky and irritable" from being up too late «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «»
Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «» AC-DC accepts invite to play Coachella 2015, requests to be off stage by 7pm before they become "cranky and irritable" from being up too late «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «»