Friday | March 27, 2015
Scientists Unearth Largest Upagus Ever To Roam Land

DURHAM, N.C. (CAP) - Archaeologists with the National Evolutionary Synthesis Center in North Carolina have made a startling discovery that they say could shed some light on one of Earth's most mysterious species: the bones of the prehistoric Upagus.

However, scientists are quick to point out that while similar in structure to the conventional Upagus, the skeleton is easily twice the size of its modern-day descendent.

"For years, our scope of study has been limited to the only one or two Upagus known to exist," said Dr. Gordon Robinson. "But now to think that these magnificent creatures were once plentiful throughout North America - that's the find of a lifetime."

Once believed to have coexisted with the woolly mammoth, the Upagus now appears to predate the Pleistocene creature by as much as two million years. Scientists have classified the new find as Upagus Elefas in order to differentiate it from the present-day Upagus Snuffl.

"The snuffl variety of Upagus, or Snuffy as we affectionately call him, is characterized by a much more leisurely demeanor than his ancestor likely had," said researcher Dr. Bob McGrath. "In fact, for a creature with a dinosaur-sized brain, the contemporary Upagus has done a remarkable job learning its ABC's."

This news comes on the heels of the recent discovery of the bones of the largest bird ever to have flown. Research into fossilized stomach contents show that while the two creatures may not have eaten the same things, they definitely were not predator and prey. In fact, scientists think the two creatures may actually have co-habited in a gigantic nest.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE tech NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» Apple accidentally unveils new watch at 12pm instead of 1pm after forgetting to turn device forward an hour for daylight savings «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «»
Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» Apple accidentally unveils new watch at 12pm instead of 1pm after forgetting to turn device forward an hour for daylight savings «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «»