Sunday | August 30, 2015
Scientists Unearth Largest Upagus Ever To Roam Land

DURHAM, N.C. (CAP) - Archaeologists with the National Evolutionary Synthesis Center in North Carolina have made a startling discovery that they say could shed some light on one of Earth's most mysterious species: the bones of the prehistoric Upagus.

However, scientists are quick to point out that while similar in structure to the conventional Upagus, the skeleton is easily twice the size of its modern-day descendent.

"For years, our scope of study has been limited to the only one or two Upagus known to exist," said Dr. Gordon Robinson. "But now to think that these magnificent creatures were once plentiful throughout North America - that's the find of a lifetime."

Once believed to have coexisted with the woolly mammoth, the Upagus now appears to predate the Pleistocene creature by as much as two million years. Scientists have classified the new find as Upagus Elefas in order to differentiate it from the present-day Upagus Snuffl.

"The snuffl variety of Upagus, or Snuffy as we affectionately call him, is characterized by a much more leisurely demeanor than his ancestor likely had," said researcher Dr. Bob McGrath. "In fact, for a creature with a dinosaur-sized brain, the contemporary Upagus has done a remarkable job learning its ABC's."

This news comes on the heels of the recent discovery of the bones of the largest bird ever to have flown. Research into fossilized stomach contents show that while the two creatures may not have eaten the same things, they definitely were not predator and prey. In fact, scientists think the two creatures may actually have co-habited in a gigantic nest.

- CAP News Staff

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Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «»