Friday | December 19, 2014
Palin, Brown Announce 2015 Presidential Bid
Scott Brown, Sarah Palin - the bright bulbs of the Republican party

DIXVILLE NOTCH, NH (CAP) - Former Gov. Sarah Palin and former Sen. Scott Brown appeared together at a "pop-up press conference" in this sleepy New Hampshire town and made a stunning announcement: they are teaming up for a run at the White House.

"It's time for a change in Washington," said Brown, reading from what appeared to be a statement scrawled on the back of a Friendly's children's placemat. "And by Washington, I mean DC, not the other Washington where they have the Seahawks and Kirk Cobain.

"Believe me, I've made that mistake more than once," he added.

Brown told the gathered crowd that the country has been "on the not right track" for some time, a sentiment echoed by Palin when she told everyone that the duo planned to lead the country "like a household," co-run by a man and a woman.

"We will be the first Co-Presidents of the United States!" Palin exclaimed. "We've both got, like, lots of good ideas, tons of great experience, and hey, let's face it, we ain't bad to look at neither!

"Let's get out the vote and put Sexy Sarah and Scottie-2-Hottie in the White House," she added. "Our first official act will be to legalize spring break! Woo-hoo! Take that, Old Man Withers!"

When asked by a reporter if she was aware that the next presidential election is scheduled for 2016 and not 2015, Palin said the pair was "getting a jump on the competition."

"There's way more of a chance for us to win if no one else is running," Brown added.

Another reporter who pointed out that the Constitution has no provision for co-presidents was immediately interrupted by Brown.

"Hey, look here, Einstein Bagel - I'm from Boston, and I've been on the US Constitution plenty of times," the former senator stated. "And even though I'm in the Army and as to for and such with am not a Navy expert per se, I am certain that if you purchase a ticket legally, you have a legal right to board the US Constitution and take the tour."

Brown was further asked about his recent social media gaffes, from a couple of nonsensical tweets to his thanking a supporter for showing him his DeLorean, but misspelling it as Delorian.

"It takes one to know one! Hashtag getalifeloser!" he said. "Brown one, dumbass reporter zero."

Palin and Brown also reiterated that being attractive does qualify them to run the country, noting that the best presidents were also the hottest.

"Kennedy, Clinton, Pierce - all awesome," said Brown. "But Taft, Harding, Coolidge? Terrible presidents and complete uggos."

"That's why Kim Kardashian's brother Khloe should never be president," Palin added.

- CAP News Staff

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Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «»