Friday | March 27, 2015
Palin, Brown Announce 2015 Presidential Bid
Scott Brown, Sarah Palin - the bright bulbs of the Republican party

DIXVILLE NOTCH, NH (CAP) - Former Gov. Sarah Palin and former Sen. Scott Brown appeared together at a "pop-up press conference" in this sleepy New Hampshire town and made a stunning announcement: they are teaming up for a run at the White House.

"It's time for a change in Washington," said Brown, reading from what appeared to be a statement scrawled on the back of a Friendly's children's placemat. "And by Washington, I mean DC, not the other Washington where they have the Seahawks and Kirk Cobain.

"Believe me, I've made that mistake more than once," he added.

Brown told the gathered crowd that the country has been "on the not right track" for some time, a sentiment echoed by Palin when she told everyone that the duo planned to lead the country "like a household," co-run by a man and a woman.

"We will be the first Co-Presidents of the United States!" Palin exclaimed. "We've both got, like, lots of good ideas, tons of great experience, and hey, let's face it, we ain't bad to look at neither!

"Let's get out the vote and put Sexy Sarah and Scottie-2-Hottie in the White House," she added. "Our first official act will be to legalize spring break! Woo-hoo! Take that, Old Man Withers!"

When asked by a reporter if she was aware that the next presidential election is scheduled for 2016 and not 2015, Palin said the pair was "getting a jump on the competition."

"There's way more of a chance for us to win if no one else is running," Brown added.

Another reporter who pointed out that the Constitution has no provision for co-presidents was immediately interrupted by Brown.

"Hey, look here, Einstein Bagel - I'm from Boston, and I've been on the US Constitution plenty of times," the former senator stated. "And even though I'm in the Army and as to for and such with am not a Navy expert per se, I am certain that if you purchase a ticket legally, you have a legal right to board the US Constitution and take the tour."

Brown was further asked about his recent social media gaffes, from a couple of nonsensical tweets to his thanking a supporter for showing him his DeLorean, but misspelling it as Delorian.

"It takes one to know one! Hashtag getalifeloser!" he said. "Brown one, dumbass reporter zero."

Palin and Brown also reiterated that being attractive does qualify them to run the country, noting that the best presidents were also the hottest.

"Kennedy, Clinton, Pierce - all awesome," said Brown. "But Taft, Harding, Coolidge? Terrible presidents and complete uggos."

"That's why Kim Kardashian's brother Khloe should never be president," Palin added.

- CAP News Staff

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Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»