Tuesday | April 28, 2015
Palin, Brown Announce 2015 Presidential Bid
Scott Brown, Sarah Palin - the bright bulbs of the Republican party

DIXVILLE NOTCH, NH (CAP) - Former Gov. Sarah Palin and former Sen. Scott Brown appeared together at a "pop-up press conference" in this sleepy New Hampshire town and made a stunning announcement: they are teaming up for a run at the White House.

"It's time for a change in Washington," said Brown, reading from what appeared to be a statement scrawled on the back of a Friendly's children's placemat. "And by Washington, I mean DC, not the other Washington where they have the Seahawks and Kirk Cobain.

"Believe me, I've made that mistake more than once," he added.

Brown told the gathered crowd that the country has been "on the not right track" for some time, a sentiment echoed by Palin when she told everyone that the duo planned to lead the country "like a household," co-run by a man and a woman.

"We will be the first Co-Presidents of the United States!" Palin exclaimed. "We've both got, like, lots of good ideas, tons of great experience, and hey, let's face it, we ain't bad to look at neither!

"Let's get out the vote and put Sexy Sarah and Scottie-2-Hottie in the White House," she added. "Our first official act will be to legalize spring break! Woo-hoo! Take that, Old Man Withers!"

When asked by a reporter if she was aware that the next presidential election is scheduled for 2016 and not 2015, Palin said the pair was "getting a jump on the competition."

"There's way more of a chance for us to win if no one else is running," Brown added.

Another reporter who pointed out that the Constitution has no provision for co-presidents was immediately interrupted by Brown.

"Hey, look here, Einstein Bagel - I'm from Boston, and I've been on the US Constitution plenty of times," the former senator stated. "And even though I'm in the Army and as to for and such with am not a Navy expert per se, I am certain that if you purchase a ticket legally, you have a legal right to board the US Constitution and take the tour."

Brown was further asked about his recent social media gaffes, from a couple of nonsensical tweets to his thanking a supporter for showing him his DeLorean, but misspelling it as Delorian.

"It takes one to know one! Hashtag getalifeloser!" he said. "Brown one, dumbass reporter zero."

Palin and Brown also reiterated that being attractive does qualify them to run the country, noting that the best presidents were also the hottest.

"Kennedy, Clinton, Pierce - all awesome," said Brown. "But Taft, Harding, Coolidge? Terrible presidents and complete uggos."

"That's why Kim Kardashian's brother Khloe should never be president," Palin added.

- CAP News Staff

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Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «»