Tuesday | March 31, 2015
Cavaliers Secret New Game Plan Leaked

CLEVELAND, Ohio (CAP) - News outlets around the globe were shocked today when an internal Cleveland Cavaliers email marked "Top Secret" was somehow made public. The email seems to outline the team's game plan for the 2014-2015 season.

Addressed from a user named DBlattBoss1@cavs.com, the plan centers around one consistent theme:

- We get the rebound, give the ball to LeBron and get out the damn way.

- We win the jump, give the ball to LeBron and get out the damn way.

- We call a timeout and we're sitting on the bench, give the ball to LeBron and get out the damn way.

- LeBron is home sick but we have a game that night, give the ball to LeBron and get out the damn way.

"This is turrible," said gigantic commentator Charles Barkley. "Turrible turrible turrible. Not the plan itself: getting the ball to LeBron in every situation possible is the right move, of course.

"But leaking the plan to the media, that's just a lack of common sense," he added. "Where's the surprise factor now? Everyone will know what they're going to do - they can't win now!"

General Manager David Griffin issued a statement that read in part, "Of course we all know that LeBron is the best player in the history of any team sport in the entirety of recorded human existence, that he can do nothing wrong, that no amount of money would be too much to pay him, and that his very presence in our arena will make opposing players curl up in the fetal position, suck their thumbs, and cry Mama, but ... wait, what was the question again?"

Other teams appeared to be thankful to receive an advanced look at the plan, including Chicago Bulls General Manager Gar Forman.

"We're just going to have four guys cover LeBron at all times," Forman said. "Including when he's in the men's room dropping a dixie, and we should be good. No one can succeed when they're quadruple-teamed.

"Well, except maybe Nina Hartley," Forman pointed out. "Oh snap! Did I just go there? I think I did!"

Former NBA star Shaquille O'Neal also weighed in, saying that "Shaq knows what it's like to be the center of the game plan. Shaq used to break backboards dunking. Shaq can eat an entire spiral ham in one bite. Shaq most likely has brain damage. Shaq."

Las Vegas odds-makers remain undeterred by the leak, actually increasing the likelihood that the Cavs would win the championship, setting the odds at 1-6,000 - meaning a $6,000 bet would net $1 if the Cavs win.

"There's just no way to stop LeBron," said Caesar's sports book chief Alton Turner. "I saw that dude throw a baseball over 850 feet one time. I know that really doesn't translate to basketball in any way, but I mean, come on! Right?"

- CAP News Staff

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NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» Newly released Mueller report says NFL did not even know Ray Rice had a girlfriend, thought he was beating up a hooker in the elevator «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie seeking bids from NFL owners to be their super fan during upcoming playoff games, vows to jump around like a jackass if team wins «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»