Friday | January 30, 2015
Cavaliers Secret New Game Plan Leaked

CLEVELAND, Ohio (CAP) - News outlets around the globe were shocked today when an internal Cleveland Cavaliers email marked "Top Secret" was somehow made public. The email seems to outline the team's game plan for the 2014-2015 season.

Addressed from a user named DBlattBoss1@cavs.com, the plan centers around one consistent theme:

- We get the rebound, give the ball to LeBron and get out the damn way.

- We win the jump, give the ball to LeBron and get out the damn way.

- We call a timeout and we're sitting on the bench, give the ball to LeBron and get out the damn way.

- LeBron is home sick but we have a game that night, give the ball to LeBron and get out the damn way.

"This is turrible," said gigantic commentator Charles Barkley. "Turrible turrible turrible. Not the plan itself: getting the ball to LeBron in every situation possible is the right move, of course.

"But leaking the plan to the media, that's just a lack of common sense," he added. "Where's the surprise factor now? Everyone will know what they're going to do - they can't win now!"

General Manager David Griffin issued a statement that read in part, "Of course we all know that LeBron is the best player in the history of any team sport in the entirety of recorded human existence, that he can do nothing wrong, that no amount of money would be too much to pay him, and that his very presence in our arena will make opposing players curl up in the fetal position, suck their thumbs, and cry Mama, but ... wait, what was the question again?"

Other teams appeared to be thankful to receive an advanced look at the plan, including Chicago Bulls General Manager Gar Forman.

"We're just going to have four guys cover LeBron at all times," Forman said. "Including when he's in the men's room dropping a dixie, and we should be good. No one can succeed when they're quadruple-teamed.

"Well, except maybe Nina Hartley," Forman pointed out. "Oh snap! Did I just go there? I think I did!"

Former NBA star Shaquille O'Neal also weighed in, saying that "Shaq knows what it's like to be the center of the game plan. Shaq used to break backboards dunking. Shaq can eat an entire spiral ham in one bite. Shaq most likely has brain damage. Shaq."

Las Vegas odds-makers remain undeterred by the leak, actually increasing the likelihood that the Cavs would win the championship, setting the odds at 1-6,000 - meaning a $6,000 bet would net $1 if the Cavs win.

"There's just no way to stop LeBron," said Caesar's sports book chief Alton Turner. "I saw that dude throw a baseball over 850 feet one time. I know that really doesn't translate to basketball in any way, but I mean, come on! Right?"

- CAP News Staff

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Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» Newly released Mueller report says NFL did not even know Ray Rice had a girlfriend, thought he was beating up a hooker in the elevator «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie seeking bids from NFL owners to be their super fan during upcoming playoff games, vows to jump around like a jackass if team wins «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez sues steroid manufacturer, saying his drugs weren't exactly "performance enhancing" as advertised «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «»