Monday | April 27, 2015
Cavaliers Secret New Game Plan Leaked

CLEVELAND, Ohio (CAP) - News outlets around the globe were shocked today when an internal Cleveland Cavaliers email marked "Top Secret" was somehow made public. The email seems to outline the team's game plan for the 2014-2015 season.

Addressed from a user named DBlattBoss1@cavs.com, the plan centers around one consistent theme:

- We get the rebound, give the ball to LeBron and get out the damn way.

- We win the jump, give the ball to LeBron and get out the damn way.

- We call a timeout and we're sitting on the bench, give the ball to LeBron and get out the damn way.

- LeBron is home sick but we have a game that night, give the ball to LeBron and get out the damn way.

"This is turrible," said gigantic commentator Charles Barkley. "Turrible turrible turrible. Not the plan itself: getting the ball to LeBron in every situation possible is the right move, of course.

"But leaking the plan to the media, that's just a lack of common sense," he added. "Where's the surprise factor now? Everyone will know what they're going to do - they can't win now!"

General Manager David Griffin issued a statement that read in part, "Of course we all know that LeBron is the best player in the history of any team sport in the entirety of recorded human existence, that he can do nothing wrong, that no amount of money would be too much to pay him, and that his very presence in our arena will make opposing players curl up in the fetal position, suck their thumbs, and cry Mama, but ... wait, what was the question again?"

Other teams appeared to be thankful to receive an advanced look at the plan, including Chicago Bulls General Manager Gar Forman.

"We're just going to have four guys cover LeBron at all times," Forman said. "Including when he's in the men's room dropping a dixie, and we should be good. No one can succeed when they're quadruple-teamed.

"Well, except maybe Nina Hartley," Forman pointed out. "Oh snap! Did I just go there? I think I did!"

Former NBA star Shaquille O'Neal also weighed in, saying that "Shaq knows what it's like to be the center of the game plan. Shaq used to break backboards dunking. Shaq can eat an entire spiral ham in one bite. Shaq most likely has brain damage. Shaq."

Las Vegas odds-makers remain undeterred by the leak, actually increasing the likelihood that the Cavs would win the championship, setting the odds at 1-6,000 - meaning a $6,000 bet would net $1 if the Cavs win.

"There's just no way to stop LeBron," said Caesar's sports book chief Alton Turner. "I saw that dude throw a baseball over 850 feet one time. I know that really doesn't translate to basketball in any way, but I mean, come on! Right?"

- CAP News Staff

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Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «»