Sunday | July 5, 2015
Cavaliers Secret New Game Plan Leaked

CLEVELAND, Ohio (CAP) - News outlets around the globe were shocked today when an internal Cleveland Cavaliers email marked "Top Secret" was somehow made public. The email seems to outline the team's game plan for the 2014-2015 season.

Addressed from a user named DBlattBoss1@cavs.com, the plan centers around one consistent theme:

- We get the rebound, give the ball to LeBron and get out the damn way.

- We win the jump, give the ball to LeBron and get out the damn way.

- We call a timeout and we're sitting on the bench, give the ball to LeBron and get out the damn way.

- LeBron is home sick but we have a game that night, give the ball to LeBron and get out the damn way.

"This is turrible," said gigantic commentator Charles Barkley. "Turrible turrible turrible. Not the plan itself: getting the ball to LeBron in every situation possible is the right move, of course.

"But leaking the plan to the media, that's just a lack of common sense," he added. "Where's the surprise factor now? Everyone will know what they're going to do - they can't win now!"

General Manager David Griffin issued a statement that read in part, "Of course we all know that LeBron is the best player in the history of any team sport in the entirety of recorded human existence, that he can do nothing wrong, that no amount of money would be too much to pay him, and that his very presence in our arena will make opposing players curl up in the fetal position, suck their thumbs, and cry Mama, but ... wait, what was the question again?"

Other teams appeared to be thankful to receive an advanced look at the plan, including Chicago Bulls General Manager Gar Forman.

"We're just going to have four guys cover LeBron at all times," Forman said. "Including when he's in the men's room dropping a dixie, and we should be good. No one can succeed when they're quadruple-teamed.

"Well, except maybe Nina Hartley," Forman pointed out. "Oh snap! Did I just go there? I think I did!"

Former NBA star Shaquille O'Neal also weighed in, saying that "Shaq knows what it's like to be the center of the game plan. Shaq used to break backboards dunking. Shaq can eat an entire spiral ham in one bite. Shaq most likely has brain damage. Shaq."

Las Vegas odds-makers remain undeterred by the leak, actually increasing the likelihood that the Cavs would win the championship, setting the odds at 1-6,000 - meaning a $6,000 bet would net $1 if the Cavs win.

"There's just no way to stop LeBron," said Caesar's sports book chief Alton Turner. "I saw that dude throw a baseball over 850 feet one time. I know that really doesn't translate to basketball in any way, but I mean, come on! Right?"

- CAP News Staff

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LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» NFL announces plans to give up its law exempt status and will have players stop committing crimes and start obeying the law beginning next season «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» US State Department confirms that an airstrike has killed top al Qaeda leader Myhstar Belmyhstar in the Syrian port city of Kyrie «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Taylor Swift says she plans to try speed dating because she's short on time and wants to pull together material for a new album «»