Monday | March 30, 2015
Israel, Hamas Agree On Ceasefire For Potty Break
The groups even went so far as to install a porta-potty for handicapped militants.

GAZA CITY (CAP) - Israeli and Palestinian leaders have reached an historic peace agreement, agreeing to a 10-minute ceasefire in the Gaza Strip so both sides can take a bathroom break.

"I've been fighting third shift for years, and the coffee, it goes right through me," said armed rebel Arabta Fyaed. "All we do is shoot, shoot, shoot. I need to go, go, go."

The Palestinians were hesitant to sign the accord, given Israel's long history of never putting the seat down or replacing empty toilet paper rolls. However, thanks to the deal brokered by Secretary of State John Kerry, both sides will have their own stalls.

"In one stall, the PLO can drop Netanyahu and the kids off at the pool," Kerry said as he tapped the microphone that happened to be in front of his face. "And in the other, Israel can give itself a Hamas steamer.

"Wait - this thing is off, right?" he added.

As part of an ongoing effort to keep the unrest in that region sanitary, military leaders for both factions have agreed to post signs in the Porta Potties that states, Combatants must wash hands before returning to war.

"It stands to reason that our men would fight better if they're not squeezing cheek," said Israel Pres. Shimon Perez. "Although if you are a believer, you will hold it for the cause."

This marks the first time both sides have made lavatory concessions since the 1997 Adult Diaper Summit. World leaders are relieved.

"More water closet, less waterboarding, I always say," noted United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon. "Hopefully someday the Israelis will realize the Palestinians shake twice before zipping up just like they do."

If the effort is successful, Kerry said he'll look to implement Free Pizza Fridays for militants and their families to give them a break from their life's mission of fighting over a strip of land the size of Mobile, Ala. "Besides everyone knows your fight better on a full stomach," said Kerry.

- CAP News Staff

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