Thursday | March 5, 2015
Obama To Send Kanye West To Iraq To Sort Things Out
President Obama touts the qualifications of his new international diplomat.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Obama has announced plans to send recently betrothed Kanye West over to Iraq to help the Sunnis "sort things out" and restore peace to the region.

"I saw the way Kanye handled Annie Leibovitz," Obama said, referring to West's scathing remarks about the celebrity photographer choosing not to shoot his wedding with Kim Kardashian. "Now Imma let him go over there and finish what I tried to finish years ago."

Critics on both sides of the aisle have jumped on the idea as preposterous, recalling Obama's failed attempts to do the same with Beyonce a couple years ago after her World Humanitarian Day video, "and her boobs are much more spectacular."

Pundits have pointed out that since all black men look the same to Muslims, West could very well be mistaken for Obama and antics considered somewhat acceptable by celebrity standards may be construed as a blatant disregard for the Geneva conventions.

"He's really better off sending Sean Penn for this type of gig," said CAP News political analyst Fuad Reveiz. "He stuck out like a sore thumb in Haiti - no doubt he could have the same success in Iraq."

For his part, West says he's happy to "help a Prez out" but would have preferred to "be all diplomatic 'n shit" somewhere like Bermuda or Turks and Caicos.

"I told Barry, the Sunni I go and whup some Muslim ass, the Sunni I get back to my hot wife," said West. "Yo, you see what I did there?"

Obama said he has the utmost faith in West's ability to bring stability to the region, but said if it doesn't work, he'll send Kim Kardashian over to join her husband and "annoy them into submission."

- CAP News Staff

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White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» Vladimir Putin voted sexiest man in Russia with 100% of the vote for eighth year running, celebrates with topless serenade around Kremlin «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «»