Wednesday | July 29, 2015
Jay Carney Wants To Connect On LinkedIn

WASHINGTON (CAP) - White House press secretary Jay Carney has hit the ground running following the announcement of his departure from the Obama administration, blasting emails to thousands of people to try to build his network of LinkedIn connections.

"I got the email and looked at the picture and I was like, wow! Dan Bucatinsky wants to connect on LinkedIn?" said 47-year-old school teacher Claire Putt, who has 23 connections, 11 of whom are related to her.

"Then I looked more closely and I was like, oh, it's just that Jay Carney guy," she added.

"I haven't voted in an election since dimpled chad was a thing, so I'm not sure how I got one," said 53-year-old ferris wheel operator Brian Malloy, who has 216 connections, 32 of whom he actually knows.

"But I figured, what the hell," he added. "Always glad to help out a fellow Carney."

According to CAP News sources inside the White House kitchen, Carney obtained the master list of all American email addresses from the NSA and has been using that to try to increase the size of his LinkedIn network.

"Everyone knows a solid LinkedIn profile is key to landing that next job, even if you're the Obama administration scapegoat," said the source. "But he's a fool if he doesn't stop by his local one-stop career center for tips and advice."

The source also said that Vice President Biden has already reached out to Carney by extending his thumb and his pinky against the side of his head in the universal sign for call me, circa 1983, followed by telling him, "I know a guy."

Shortly after posting his resume on Monster, Carney allegedly received lucrative job offers from Aflac and New York Life, both of whom think he is "a perfect match for some job openings that present real growth and a pathway for a prosperous future."

- CAP News Staff

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A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» US State Department confirms that an airstrike has killed top al Qaeda leader Myhstar Belmyhstar in the Syrian port city of Kyrie «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Taylor Swift says she plans to try speed dating because she's short on time and wants to pull together material for a new album «» Rick Perry to announce his 2016 presidential bid during opening statements of his public corruption trial «» Kim Kardashian announces she is pregnant, says she and Kanye plan to name the baby SXSW «»