Tuesday | September 1, 2015
Jay Carney Wants To Connect On LinkedIn

WASHINGTON (CAP) - White House press secretary Jay Carney has hit the ground running following the announcement of his departure from the Obama administration, blasting emails to thousands of people to try to build his network of LinkedIn connections.

"I got the email and looked at the picture and I was like, wow! Dan Bucatinsky wants to connect on LinkedIn?" said 47-year-old school teacher Claire Putt, who has 23 connections, 11 of whom are related to her.

"Then I looked more closely and I was like, oh, it's just that Jay Carney guy," she added.

"I haven't voted in an election since dimpled chad was a thing, so I'm not sure how I got one," said 53-year-old ferris wheel operator Brian Malloy, who has 216 connections, 32 of whom he actually knows.

"But I figured, what the hell," he added. "Always glad to help out a fellow Carney."

According to CAP News sources inside the White House kitchen, Carney obtained the master list of all American email addresses from the NSA and has been using that to try to increase the size of his LinkedIn network.

"Everyone knows a solid LinkedIn profile is key to landing that next job, even if you're the Obama administration scapegoat," said the source. "But he's a fool if he doesn't stop by his local one-stop career center for tips and advice."

The source also said that Vice President Biden has already reached out to Carney by extending his thumb and his pinky against the side of his head in the universal sign for call me, circa 1983, followed by telling him, "I know a guy."

Shortly after posting his resume on Monster, Carney allegedly received lucrative job offers from Aflac and New York Life, both of whom think he is "a perfect match for some job openings that present real growth and a pathway for a prosperous future."

- CAP News Staff

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Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «»