Wednesday | November 26, 2014
Jay Carney Wants To Connect On LinkedIn

WASHINGTON (CAP) - White House press secretary Jay Carney has hit the ground running following the announcement of his departure from the Obama administration, blasting emails to thousands of people to try to build his network of LinkedIn connections.

"I got the email and looked at the picture and I was like, wow! Dan Bucatinsky wants to connect on LinkedIn?" said 47-year-old school teacher Claire Putt, who has 23 connections, 11 of whom are related to her.

"Then I looked more closely and I was like, oh, it's just that Jay Carney guy," she added.

"I haven't voted in an election since dimpled chad was a thing, so I'm not sure how I got one," said 53-year-old ferris wheel operator Brian Malloy, who has 216 connections, 32 of whom he actually knows.

"But I figured, what the hell," he added. "Always glad to help out a fellow Carney."

According to CAP News sources inside the White House kitchen, Carney obtained the master list of all American email addresses from the NSA and has been using that to try to increase the size of his LinkedIn network.

"Everyone knows a solid LinkedIn profile is key to landing that next job, even if you're the Obama administration scapegoat," said the source. "But he's a fool if he doesn't stop by his local one-stop career center for tips and advice."

The source also said that Vice President Biden has already reached out to Carney by extending his thumb and his pinky against the side of his head in the universal sign for call me, circa 1983, followed by telling him, "I know a guy."

Shortly after posting his resume on Monster, Carney allegedly received lucrative job offers from Aflac and New York Life, both of whom think he is "a perfect match for some job openings that present real growth and a pathway for a prosperous future."

- CAP News Staff

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Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over Thanksgiving break due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «»