Saturday | January 31, 2015
Jay Carney Wants To Connect On LinkedIn

WASHINGTON (CAP) - White House press secretary Jay Carney has hit the ground running following the announcement of his departure from the Obama administration, blasting emails to thousands of people to try to build his network of LinkedIn connections.

"I got the email and looked at the picture and I was like, wow! Dan Bucatinsky wants to connect on LinkedIn?" said 47-year-old school teacher Claire Putt, who has 23 connections, 11 of whom are related to her.

"Then I looked more closely and I was like, oh, it's just that Jay Carney guy," she added.

"I haven't voted in an election since dimpled chad was a thing, so I'm not sure how I got one," said 53-year-old ferris wheel operator Brian Malloy, who has 216 connections, 32 of whom he actually knows.

"But I figured, what the hell," he added. "Always glad to help out a fellow Carney."

According to CAP News sources inside the White House kitchen, Carney obtained the master list of all American email addresses from the NSA and has been using that to try to increase the size of his LinkedIn network.

"Everyone knows a solid LinkedIn profile is key to landing that next job, even if you're the Obama administration scapegoat," said the source. "But he's a fool if he doesn't stop by his local one-stop career center for tips and advice."

The source also said that Vice President Biden has already reached out to Carney by extending his thumb and his pinky against the side of his head in the universal sign for call me, circa 1983, followed by telling him, "I know a guy."

Shortly after posting his resume on Monster, Carney allegedly received lucrative job offers from Aflac and New York Life, both of whom think he is "a perfect match for some job openings that present real growth and a pathway for a prosperous future."

- CAP News Staff

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ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «»