NEW YORK (CAP) - After much speculation, several top officials at the New York Times have confirmed that executive editor Jill Abramson was recently fired for flouting a rule intended to keep vaginas out of the workplace.
Sources at the gray lady say the family-friendly newsroom has long allowed employees an annual "take your vagina to work" day, marking the occasion with bouquets of flowers, festive games, and a parade of Fudgie the Whale cakes to allow those with vaginas the chance to celebrate their contribution to society. But anonymous sources described the "vagina" day festivities as a moody roller coaster that usually ended in tears, punctuated by a decrease in productivity that forced the Times to re-run news stories in the next day's edition.
Citing professionalism and the distraction of having too many vaginas in one location, human resources had long upheld a rule that workers with vaginas were expected to secure adequate care throughout the rest of the year.
However, since she was promoted as the first female executive editor in 2011, Abramson insisted on ignoring the rules, and could be seen sneaking her vagina into the 8th Avenue complex on a near daily basis.
Sources close to Times' leadership insist that Abramson and her vagina were also guilty of ordering reporters around, sometimes standing atop a box menacingly and announcing the prominent newspaper's accolades and other achievements.
Frequent complaints accused Abramson of making arbitrary decisions citing her "gut" and her "decades of experience" without first asking for permission from the writers and editors she seemed to think were working for her.
"She kind of walked around acting like she was running the place," noted one reporter who wished to remain anonymous. "I guess you'd call her bossy."
Abramson has been replaced by longtime editor Dean Baquet. Officials familiar with the situation said Baquet was chosen for his leadership skills and professionalism at work.
"He always adheres to policy," said one top-ranking staffer. "But he'd better keep his race card at home."
- CAP News Staff