Monday | August 31, 2015
Russia Hires Jack Bauer To Safeguard Sochi Olympics
Russian TV news footage shows Jack protecting the luge from terrorist threats.

SOCHI, Russia (CAP) - Russia's counterterrorism agency is reporting that former U.S. federal agent and fugitive from justice Jack Bauer has been picked to lead efforts to keep athletes and visitors safe during the upcoming Olympic Games in Sochi.

They cited Bauer's experience in thwarting a wide variety of terrorist plots in 24 hours or less as a contributing factor to the selection.

"Given Mr Bauer's penchant for resolving the most insidious of international threats pretty much by himself, we have released all 40,000 of our security personnel back to their families so they can enjoy the Games," President Vladimir Putin said in a prepared statement.

"Well, that and the fact that Jack doesn't know who he can trust anymore," he noted.

Security experts point out that Bauer's propensity for failing to put his cell phone on vibrate could be cause for concern as the terrorists will eventually figure out they only need to call him to pinpoint his location.

"Even when he whispers he sounds like he's yelling at you," said independent terrorism consultant Omar McNalley. "Which is good, because Russians will need to understand the sense of urgency when he tells them, There's no time!

"But dude really needs to learn how to text," McNalley added.

Despite an overwhelmingly positive international reaction to the news, U.S. military officials continue to mobilize warships and aircraft in the Black Sea in the event American athletes underperform and need to be transported out of the country.

"Not even Jack Bauer can make sure Jeremy Abbott lands the triple axel-double toe, double flip-double toe, double axel, triple axel, triple salchow," said Charles Tickner, acting Assistant Secretary of Figure Skating and Pacific Security Affairs. "Although a few minutes alone in a room with Jack could persuade Canada's Patrick Chan to not skate so well for the gold."

Russian officials deny that Bauer's appointment was in any way meant to raise American ire by hiring someone considered wanted by the CIA. However, they did go so far as to call Bauer the "Edward Snowden of our generation."

- CAP News Staff

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