Saturday | May 30, 2015
Christie Used Hurricane Funds To Host Furry Parties
Chris Christie back in the day when beaver was his choice of furry

PRINCETON, NJ (CAP) - The scandal-plagued administration of Chris Christie took a bizarre twist yesterday when an undercover investigation revealed that the embattled governor spent money earmarked for Hurricane Sandy relief to host furry parties at his residence.

According to documents and videos unscrupulously obtained by CAP News, Christie held three furry raves over the course of five months as he campaigned for reelection in 2013, dressed in a giant badger fursuit and greeting guests at the door by licking their cheeks.

"Judging by how crusty the fur on that thing was, I don't think he washed the costume in between parties," said a source inside Drumthwacket who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "But there was no shortage of takers every time he asked, Who wants to cuddlick the governor?."

The inspector general's office has agreed to launch an investigation into this latest ignominy, but noted it could be a while as they "wait for the gag reflex to calm down" and try to squeeze this in with the dozens of other issues toppling Christie's career.

"This one could be the straw that broke the camel's back," said Inspector General David Montoya. "Which is what I believe Rudy Giuliani came to the parties dressed up as."

Christie spokesman Colin Reed has already released a statement responding to the investigation, calling it "spoogey and bovine" and "not worthy of the honey badger's time." He then made some sort of pawing motion with his foot, did a tailwave, and cantered away from reporters.

"What we have here is yet another politician who thinks his scat don't stink," said CAP News Alternative Lifestyles Editor Nathan Lane. "Notice that his character isn't a cute chipmunk or a stately lion - it's a friggin' weasel."

Many involved in furry fandom say Christie's involvement could be just the boost their subculture needs for mainstream approval, although they'd prefer to see him dressed as a walrus or hippo that better represents his body type.

- CAP News Staff

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NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» World Trade Organization approves putting 'Country Of Origin' labels on immigrants coming into the US to help Americans better target their discrimination «» JP Morgan Chase to dismantle Detroit and sell it for parts, saying the demand overseas for after market American cities is strong «» Taylor Swift reveals she was behind extreme censoring of Kanye West song at Billboard Music Awards, telling him "Imma not let you finish" «» ISIS rebels capture another Iraqi city Americans have never heard of but are led to believe is "very important" «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» NFL announces plans to give up its law exempt status and will have players stop committing crimes and start obeying the law beginning next season «»