Tuesday | March 31, 2015
Christie Used Hurricane Funds To Host Furry Parties
Chris Christie back in the day when beaver was his choice of furry

PRINCETON, NJ (CAP) - The scandal-plagued administration of Chris Christie took a bizarre twist yesterday when an undercover investigation revealed that the embattled governor spent money earmarked for Hurricane Sandy relief to host furry parties at his residence.

According to documents and videos unscrupulously obtained by CAP News, Christie held three furry raves over the course of five months as he campaigned for reelection in 2013, dressed in a giant badger fursuit and greeting guests at the door by licking their cheeks.

"Judging by how crusty the fur on that thing was, I don't think he washed the costume in between parties," said a source inside Drumthwacket who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "But there was no shortage of takers every time he asked, Who wants to cuddlick the governor?."

The inspector general's office has agreed to launch an investigation into this latest ignominy, but noted it could be a while as they "wait for the gag reflex to calm down" and try to squeeze this in with the dozens of other issues toppling Christie's career.

"This one could be the straw that broke the camel's back," said Inspector General David Montoya. "Which is what I believe Rudy Giuliani came to the parties dressed up as."

Christie spokesman Colin Reed has already released a statement responding to the investigation, calling it "spoogey and bovine" and "not worthy of the honey badger's time." He then made some sort of pawing motion with his foot, did a tailwave, and cantered away from reporters.

"What we have here is yet another politician who thinks his scat don't stink," said CAP News Alternative Lifestyles Editor Nathan Lane. "Notice that his character isn't a cute chipmunk or a stately lion - it's a friggin' weasel."

Many involved in furry fandom say Christie's involvement could be just the boost their subculture needs for mainstream approval, although they'd prefer to see him dressed as a walrus or hippo that better represents his body type.

- CAP News Staff

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Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»