Sunday | March 29, 2015
Congressional Report Notes Old People Continue Dying

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A congressional advisory board meeting under the direction of Vice President Joe Biden says Medicare should charge senior citizens more money for home health care services.

The vice president said he's taking his cue from home contractors and other home repair personnel who are constantly bilking the elderly of their savings, and said the government should not be left behind.

"We don't want to deprive people who need services," said Willamena Gilletto, chairwoman of some other board whose name is too long to print here. "We just want to deprive them of what few dollars they have left to their name in the few short years they have left to live."

Gilletto said any new plan would only require a small co-payment from senior citizens for Medicare home health care. However, given the amount of Social Security that old people are expected to live on each month, that small co-payment could probably buy a month's worth of strained beets.

The senior citizen watchdog group Citizens for Retired Associates and Professionals said it plans to sue the U.S. Government for any decision it deems unconstitutional.

Biden said he's sick and tired of CRAP, and he said CRAP always stands in the way of gettings things done. He said he will see to it that the public will not have to deal with CRAP anymore.

Medicare currently covers the full cost of home health care visits, something that Congress is looking to change. Congressmen said old people are living longer, which is costing the government more, so they want to cut back on how much Medicare covers, which will save the government some money, and probably kill off a bunch of old people, which will then save the government lots of money.

Once and future presidential candidate Bob Dole said he is against the plan.

- CAP News Staff

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New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Texas appeals court upholds ruling that bans sale of home abortion kits, says instructional DVD not detailed enough and needs better actors «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Burger King announces plans to remove unhealthy options from kids meals, will offer empty boxes for $1.99 «»