Sunday | July 5, 2015
Congressional Report Notes Old People Continue Dying

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A congressional advisory board meeting under the direction of Vice President Joe Biden says Medicare should charge senior citizens more money for home health care services.

The vice president said he's taking his cue from home contractors and other home repair personnel who are constantly bilking the elderly of their savings, and said the government should not be left behind.

"We don't want to deprive people who need services," said Willamena Gilletto, chairwoman of some other board whose name is too long to print here. "We just want to deprive them of what few dollars they have left to their name in the few short years they have left to live."

Gilletto said any new plan would only require a small co-payment from senior citizens for Medicare home health care. However, given the amount of Social Security that old people are expected to live on each month, that small co-payment could probably buy a month's worth of strained beets.

The senior citizen watchdog group Citizens for Retired Associates and Professionals said it plans to sue the U.S. Government for any decision it deems unconstitutional.

Biden said he's sick and tired of CRAP, and he said CRAP always stands in the way of gettings things done. He said he will see to it that the public will not have to deal with CRAP anymore.

Medicare currently covers the full cost of home health care visits, something that Congress is looking to change. Congressmen said old people are living longer, which is costing the government more, so they want to cut back on how much Medicare covers, which will save the government some money, and probably kill off a bunch of old people, which will then save the government lots of money.

Once and future presidential candidate Bob Dole said he is against the plan.

- CAP News Staff

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General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» US State Department confirms that an airstrike has killed top al Qaeda leader Myhstar Belmyhstar in the Syrian port city of Kyrie «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Taylor Swift says she plans to try speed dating because she's short on time and wants to pull together material for a new album «» Rick Perry to announce his 2016 presidential bid during opening statements of his public corruption trial «» Kim Kardashian announces she is pregnant, says she and Kanye plan to name the baby SXSW «»