Saturday | March 28, 2015
New Report Says Report Needed About Seatbelt Use
Surgeon General Boris Lushniak discusses new slogans to try to increase seatbelt use among drivers.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A second report released in just as many days says the American public will gladly accept all information told to them, provided it is told to them in the form of a report and supported with quotes from people they don't know.

Fifty percent of people surveyed for the report said statistics also play a large role in determining the validity of a report.

The report further said that children who ride with drivers who do not wear seatbelts are far less likely to be buckled in themselves. And children who ride with drivers who fondle themselves at red lights are more likely to do that themselves as well.

"The evidence is clear," said acting Surgeon General Boris Lushniak. "To get children to touch themselves, we must get drivers to do the same."

A recent national survey by the National Survey Administration For The Release Of Reports found that when a driver's seatbelt and pants were unbuckled, the children were quiet and content. But when the driver was clothed, the children were nagging with statements like, "Are we there yet?" and "I have to go to the bathroom."

The survey found that states with a primary belt law have a usage rate that is 15 percentage points higher than in other states. The survey found that suspenders were the fashion of choice in the other states, with clothesline rope running a close third.

An announcement is expected to be made later this week to explain what the difference is between a report and a survey. Then a press release will follow.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE tech NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» Apple accidentally unveils new watch at 12pm instead of 1pm after forgetting to turn device forward an hour for daylight savings «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «»
Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» Apple accidentally unveils new watch at 12pm instead of 1pm after forgetting to turn device forward an hour for daylight savings «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «»