Wednesday | January 28, 2015
New Report Says Report Needed About Seatbelt Use
Surgeon General Boris Lushniak discusses new slogans to try to increase seatbelt use among drivers.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A second report released in just as many days says the American public will gladly accept all information told to them, provided it is told to them in the form of a report and supported with quotes from people they don't know.

Fifty percent of people surveyed for the report said statistics also play a large role in determining the validity of a report.

The report further said that children who ride with drivers who do not wear seatbelts are far less likely to be buckled in themselves. And children who ride with drivers who fondle themselves at red lights are more likely to do that themselves as well.

"The evidence is clear," said acting Surgeon General Boris Lushniak. "To get children to touch themselves, we must get drivers to do the same."

A recent national survey by the National Survey Administration For The Release Of Reports found that when a driver's seatbelt and pants were unbuckled, the children were quiet and content. But when the driver was clothed, the children were nagging with statements like, "Are we there yet?" and "I have to go to the bathroom."

The survey found that states with a primary belt law have a usage rate that is 15 percentage points higher than in other states. The survey found that suspenders were the fashion of choice in the other states, with clothesline rope running a close third.

An announcement is expected to be made later this week to explain what the difference is between a report and a survey. Then a press release will follow.

- CAP News Staff

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ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «»