Saturday | March 28, 2015
Redskins Change Name To Washington Honkeys
RGIII dons the new team apparel during a recent practice.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Bowing to growing pressure from fans and political action groups, Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder announced today that the team will change its name to the Washington Honkeys effective with the start of next season.

"I recently had the chance to meet with Chief Heya Hoha of the Oneida Indian Nation, and he really made me see things from a different perspective," said Snyder. "He said to me, Daniel-San, we no likem team name. Redskins not term means good things for our people. We requestem you changem, then we smokem peace pipe."

Snyder said he'll never forget the look of sadness on the chief's face as he then gazed out over his massive 900-acre estate, a single tear rolling down his wrinkled, maroon-hued cheek. "I knew right then and there we had to make a change," Snyder noted. "So I dropped everything and called Chris."

As it happens, Chris turns out to be acerbic comedy star Chris Rock, a close personal friend of Snyder's who advised the team owner to "go all in" if he decided to change the name.

"Oh he called me alright - he called me good," said Rock. "And I told him, listen here, D Snyd, this isn't a Tampa Bay Devil Rays type of situation where you can just drop the word Devil and suddenly you're a good person."

Rock pointed out that the name Redskins has been offending millions of people for decades, so he called in some support to help find the perfect name - Chris Tucker, Chris Elliott, and Chris Everett.

"I told him we need to do this, and we need to do it now!" railed Tucker. "Man - do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? Wake up, sucker!"

The trio then looked to Chris Everett for guidance, but said she was just glued to the television because it was Shark Week. So they put their heads together to come up with the only reasonable replacement that would atone for all past transgressions: a derogatory name for another group.

"We tried them all - the N-word, the C-word, the F-word, the S-word, the G-word, the W-word, the Q-word - and none of them stuck," said Elliott. "Then out of nowhere, Chris Everett screams Honkeys! and we knew immediately that was the money shot."

Washington's team equipment manager confirmed that new uniforms for next season have already been ordered. The home uniforms will feature a white top over white pants with white lettering, while the away uniforms will feature white numbers on white jerseys with white leggings.

The team creed will be changed to "That's mighty white of you," and Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad's Walter White, will preside over the coin flip at the home opener next season.

- CAP News Staff

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NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» Newly released Mueller report says NFL did not even know Ray Rice had a girlfriend, thought he was beating up a hooker in the elevator «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie seeking bids from NFL owners to be their super fan during upcoming playoff games, vows to jump around like a jackass if team wins «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»