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Joe Biden Uses Shutdown To Work On Tennis Swing
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Not exempt from the nation's first government shutdown in almost two decades, the White House has also sent all non-essential personnel home, including the dining staff, the West Wing janitor, and Vice President Joe Biden.
"700,000 Americans are scrounging, don't know where their next meal is going to come from," Biden said as he practiced his backhand at the White House tennis court. "I get it: Jill doesn't know where her next handbag or pair of shoes are going to come from, either.
"All we can do is sit tight and pray she doesn't get corns before all this comes to an end," he added.
CAP News sports editor Herm Winningham confirms that the vice president's tennis swing does appear to have taken a turn for the better in just the past couple of a days, a skill pundits agree will serve him well in diplomatic relations when he eventually gets back to work.
"To the untrained eye, Joe is just fooling around and being unproductive," said radio host Peter Werbe. "But if he can rifle a couple aces past Kim Jong-Un the next time the two share state take-out, maybe North Korea leaves us the fuck alone."
Although Biden himself has been furloughed, most of the staff in his office have not and haven't found much, if any change in their daily routine despite their illustrious leader's absence.
"Don't let him fool you; dude spends five hours a day on the tennis court even when he is working," said one aide. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go get Chuck in the mail room to forge Joe's signature on these confidential documents.
"Oh, don't act so surprised," the aide added. "Joe hasn't signed anything himself in three years."
Other staffers told CAP News that the original furlough list for the Office of the Vice President didn't actually include Biden, but that someone had scribbled his name at the bottom of the typewritten sheet.
Handwriting analysis of the scrawled signature has determined with 92% certainty that it was likely Joe himself who added his own name.
- CAP News Staff
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