Saturday | March 28, 2015
Senate Takes Up Legislation Affirming What A Fox Says
Sen. Carl Levin speaks for the animals who don't have a voice.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - With the first government shutdown in 17 years now in full effect, the Senate has moved on to other matters to bide the time, turning its attention to recently introduced bills that would determine once and for all what the fox says.

"Cow goes moo, frog goes croak - all in favor, say aye," said Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT). "The chair now recognizes the senator from Oregon Ron Wyden to discuss the one sound that no one knows."

Senate bill S.Con.Res.23, introduced by Sen. Carl Levin (D-MI), calls for "the complete and absolute affirmation of the onomatopoetic sound made by or associated with any of the 12 species belonging to the Vulpes genus of true foxes."

The resolution does not make a distinction between possible differences in dialect among subfamilies of foxes.

"So we can place cameras on wild animals to get cool National Geographic pictures, but we can't mic up a fox den to figure out what they sound like?" said Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-AK). "Where the hell is Ted Cruz when we need him?"

The Furry Fandom Lobby, vocal opponents of the legislation, point out that the wording of the bill doesn't dictate exactly what the fox says, just that a determination will be made on what it says. As such, the Senate and House could both pass the same bill in its exact wording but still leave the question unanswered.

"So we could decide the fox says Wa pa pa pa pa pa pow but the House decides it says Jacha chacha chacha chow, which puts us right back at square one," said Sen. Bob Corker (R-TN). "And they would, too, because they're bastards like that."

The Senate Subcommittee On Small Woodland Creatures will hold hearings throughout the week to narrow down the selection of preferred fox sounds ahead of a planned vote of the full Senate next week.

- CAP News Staff

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Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»