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NFL To Feature 'Throwback Rules' This Weekend
NEW YORK (CAP) - In an effort to curtail what critics call the "pussification" of the NFL, Commissioner Roger Goodell is set to announce a league-wide 'Throwback Rules Sunday' for this weekend's games, where all teams will play by the 1976 NFL rulebook.
"It's been, like, forever, since anyone called our modern brand of football smashmouth," said Goodell. "If players from the mid '70s were alive today - and not suffering from dementia - they would be extremely disappointed in how we play the game."
According to Goodell, he chose 1976 because of the large number of rules implemented by the league over the course of the next two seasons, which saw an end to defender contact after five yards, clipping beyond the line of scrimmage, and neck jabs by offensive linemen.
"Who doesn't miss seeing a good head slap, for Chrissake?" Goodell said. "Back then we had crackback blocks. Now we have the tuck rule. Need I say more?"
A survey of overweight middle-aged men who drink Schlitz and still have their Los Angeles Rams Divisional Champion t-shirts found overwhelming support for the throwback rules, as well as the return of Jack Klugman as Quincy, ME and cigarette vending machines.
"In fact, I think the league should add some rules to toughen itself up - like letting players smoke in the huddle," said CAP News sports editor Herm Winningham. "So instead of clapping their hands like a group of 14-year-old cheerleaders and saying Break! when they come out of the huddle, they're putting cigarettes out on each other's helmets.
"How badass would that be!" he added.
Opponents of the gimmick call it "a Darwinian marketing ploy" designed to put the hurt on "pretty boy quarterbacks like Tom Brady" so Tim Tebow can get another shot at the league.
Many say if the league really wants to celebrate 1976, they should have players grow mustaches and long hair and drink Tab.
- CAP News Staff
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