MIAMI, Fla. (CAP) - Once the keen object of their illegal desires, now Miley Cyrus is even the subject of ridicule at the hands of the nation's pedophiles. Miley's new look was a hot topic during the recent Level 3 Fall Jamboree at Photopia.
"I used to love to just relax on a Friday night with Season One of Hannah Montana, a bucket of popcorn and a washcloth," said 53-year-old Barry Hough, who hitchhiked to L3FJ from Oklahoma City. "But now whenever I look at that pretty little angel, all I see is that ugly blonde mug staring back at me.
"Thank God I didn't erase my VHS tapes of Saved By The Bell," he added.
Four out of five sex offenders interviewed by CAP News said that while Miley may still have the body of a 12-year-old girl, it's attached to the face of Grace Jones and the tongue of Gene Simmons, "like some sort of weird Hollywood chimera."
"Oh my God, I've got deflated blow-up dolls that get me more excited than that piece of white trash," said recently divorced 41-year-old Danny Goode. "But unlike these other shlubs, I'll still watch the show because ... Lilly.
"Okay, and Rico," added Goode. "Phew. Is it hot in here or is it me?"
Attendees at L3FJ did hold a vigil to signify the official end to their fawning adoration of "the best thing to happen to us since Punky Brewster," the timing of which coincided with a similar ceremony at the Midwest Diddlers Conference '13 in Davenport, Iowa.
"We hereby pass the torch lit by the fire of our burning loins over the course of four outstanding seasons of Hannah Montana to teenage boys and duplicitous married men with no daughters everywhere," proclaimed MDC'13 organizer Mitchell Garland. "We are forever indebted to your former innocence.
"Now let's go watch us some Toddlers & Tiaras!"
- CAP News Staff