Sunday | January 25, 2015
Mischievous E-Trade Baby Shuts Down Stock Exchange
The E-Trade baby explains how to fill out your portfolio without filling out your diaper.

NEW YORK (CAP) - The United States stock market showed again this morning that it remains vulnerable to the allure of adorable children when the E-Trade baby shut down trading on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange with the few clicks of a mouse.

"It was Take Your Creepy Talking Baby To Work Day so we had these little kids crawling all over the place yammering on about 401k fees and corporate bonds," said one trader. "Then as it got closer to nap time, that's when things got crazy."

Witnesses say stocks were trading higher on a light volume at the opening bell when the E-Trade baby tried to scoop up some underperforming tech stocks but instead kicked off a giant game of Candy Crush Saga across the computer monitors on the trading room floor.

"Next thing I know I'm in a bidding war for a power candy combo and had to dump all my Facebook shares just to get it," an exasperated investor told CAP News. "Been holding onto that shit for over a year just waiting to break even.

"I think swapping Facebook stock to be able to smash fake candy is a good trade," he added. "Rainbow sprinkle, rainbow sprinkle!"

Technicians managed to get the systems back online within 15 minutes but trading didn't resume for hours because everyone was stuck on level 103.

- CAP News Staff

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Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «» Welfare recipients throughout the country are protesting increases to the minimum wage, saying "it's not fair" for states to make it so enticing for them to try to find jobs «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «» Texas appeals court upholds ruling that bans sale of home abortion kits, says instructional DVD not detailed enough and needs better actors «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «»