Thursday | November 20, 2014
Mischievous E-Trade Baby Shuts Down Stock Exchange
The E-Trade baby explains how to fill out your portfolio without filling out your diaper.

NEW YORK (CAP) - The United States stock market showed again this morning that it remains vulnerable to the allure of adorable children when the E-Trade baby shut down trading on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange with the few clicks of a mouse.

"It was Take Your Creepy Talking Baby To Work Day so we had these little kids crawling all over the place yammering on about 401k fees and corporate bonds," said one trader. "Then as it got closer to nap time, that's when things got crazy."

Witnesses say stocks were trading higher on a light volume at the opening bell when the E-Trade baby tried to scoop up some underperforming tech stocks but instead kicked off a giant game of Candy Crush Saga across the computer monitors on the trading room floor.

"Next thing I know I'm in a bidding war for a power candy combo and had to dump all my Facebook shares just to get it," an exasperated investor told CAP News. "Been holding onto that shit for over a year just waiting to break even.

"I think swapping Facebook stock to be able to smash fake candy is a good trade," he added. "Rainbow sprinkle, rainbow sprinkle!"

Technicians managed to get the systems back online within 15 minutes but trading didn't resume for hours because everyone was stuck on level 103.

- CAP News Staff

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Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» Kmart asks employees to celebrate Thanksgiving the weekend before so they can work on Thanksgiving itself «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Quarterback Peyton Manning asks to join Indianapolis Colts "just for this week" so he can try one more time to beat the Patriots «» Military enlistment skyrockets as thousands seek free meals at Denny's and Golden Corral on Veteran's Day «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «»