Sunday | December 21, 2014
Mischievous E-Trade Baby Shuts Down Stock Exchange
The E-Trade baby explains how to fill out your portfolio without filling out your diaper.

NEW YORK (CAP) - The United States stock market showed again this morning that it remains vulnerable to the allure of adorable children when the E-Trade baby shut down trading on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange with the few clicks of a mouse.

"It was Take Your Creepy Talking Baby To Work Day so we had these little kids crawling all over the place yammering on about 401k fees and corporate bonds," said one trader. "Then as it got closer to nap time, that's when things got crazy."

Witnesses say stocks were trading higher on a light volume at the opening bell when the E-Trade baby tried to scoop up some underperforming tech stocks but instead kicked off a giant game of Candy Crush Saga across the computer monitors on the trading room floor.

"Next thing I know I'm in a bidding war for a power candy combo and had to dump all my Facebook shares just to get it," an exasperated investor told CAP News. "Been holding onto that shit for over a year just waiting to break even.

"I think swapping Facebook stock to be able to smash fake candy is a good trade," he added. "Rainbow sprinkle, rainbow sprinkle!"

Technicians managed to get the systems back online within 15 minutes but trading didn't resume for hours because everyone was stuck on level 103.

- CAP News Staff

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Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «»