Friday | March 29, 2024
NFL Expands Rosters To 54 To Make Room For Gays
The Miami Dolphins receive some words of encouragement from one of their less heterosexual teammates during a practice last season.

NEW YORK (CAP) - The NFL is slated to become the first major professional sport to openly endorse the use of homosexuals thanks to a decision by Commissioner Roger Goodell to expand each team's regular season roster to 54 players.

"Critics will tell you that football is a straight man's game," Goodell said at the press conference to announce the change. "I know, there's nothing straighter than one guy grabbing another guy by the waist, throwing him to the ground, and then jumping on him.

"But let's face it, this is the day of the gay, and we're going to capitalize on that," he added.

As part of the roster expansion, the league has approved the creation of a new position for teams such that "no straight player will lose their job to a homo." The Token Gay (TG) can only be held by one player per team per season. A team may field any number of homosexuals, but only one can be the Token Gay.

"It's kinda like slapping the franchise tag on a player," said one owner who asked not to be identified. "Except, this will probably end up being a different kind of slapping."

Token Gays can play any position on the field, although most agree they'll likely end up on the offensive or defensive lines. "I've seen gays run and it ain't pretty," noted another owner.

While the roster change is expected to be in place for next season, Goodell acknowledges that the league does have some work to do to prepare for it. Effort will soon begin to build separate shower stalls for the gays, hang curtain rods across lockers, and install Glade plug-ins throughout the locker rooms.

"We also figure they can just use the water fountains that were installed for the blacks way back when," Goodell added.

Teams will be allowed to carry up to three extra gays on the practice squad, including an emergency gay in case their Token Gay goes down due to injury. There will also be a gay developmental squad for players who don't have previous gay experience but may be a little bi-curious or just enjoy going to the theatre.

- CAP News Staff

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