Friday | March 27, 2015
Ricin Letter Sender Thinking Timing May Have Been Off
Kevin Curtis pauses for a candid photo in front of what turned out to be a prophetic bumper sticker on his car.

MEMPHIS (CAP) - The Elvis impersonator accused of sending a ricin-laced letter to President Obama says he's regretting picking the one week in all of U.S. history when his story would go completely unnoticed by the news media and the American public.

"In retrospect, the week before or the week after would have probably been a better bet," said Paul Kevin Curtis, who noted that not only didn't the story about an Elvis impersonator arrested for trying to kill the president not make the front pages, most people didn't even notice it at all.

"First there was the Boston bombings, then the Senate gun control vote, then the explosion in Texas, then the Boston manhunt," said Curtis from his Memphis jail cell, listing off the stories that drew attention away from his efforts.

"I mean, who does an unhinged right-wing conspiracy nut have to schtup to get a break in this town?" he lamented.

A study by the Poynter Institute of the week's news showed that the ricin letters arrest actually finished ninth out of the top ten stories for the week, following the four stories mentioned by Curtis, along with the Iran earthquake, the Chinese earthquake, the Denver pot fest and the return of David Ortiz to the Red Sox lineup.

"He did beat out the story about former Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf being remanded into custody," noted the Poynter Institute's Dick Edmunton. "Because people can't stand reading about, you know, foreign stuff, except for earthquakes."

- CAP News Staff

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A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «» Justice Department issues subpoena for all computer files related to Hillary Clinton's 2012 online journal, "My Benghazi Blog" «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»