Thursday | September 29, 2016
SCOTUS Cites Facebook In Same-Sex Marriage Ruling
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg (front, center) pauses for a photo-op with his "Supreme Court homies."

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The Supreme Court has reversed course on a gay marriage decision, now basing their new ruling on the tenor of Facebook discussion.

The highest court had been planning to side with gay marriage proponents, but is now leaning toward saving traditional marriage as a means for propagating the species. The move appears to be influenced by the millions of Facebook users changing their profile pictures from the red equals sign to a menagerie of other symbols and dog portraits.

"It doesn't make any damn sense, but give the people what they want, I guess," Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg reportedly told her fellow judges.

The newly scribbled decision will mandate that all wedded couples must propagate within two years of becoming legally bound, according to sources who sit across the breakfast table from Chief Justice John Roberts. The wording would make gay marriage null and void.

"If my gym teacher was right, you can't make a baby that way," attorney Charles Cooper told the court during last month's hearings. "And isn't that what marriage is all about?"

Renamed Proposition 8 1/2, the measure will also suggest new legislative protocols to ban marriage for women over 50, men with vasectomies, closeted men identified by gaydar detector tests, hermaphrodites, women with three or more cats, men with coprophobia, Kanye West fans, and Kanye West. Marriage licenses will not longer be offered without fertility tests, and can be revoked if couples fail to spawn within two years.

The measure would call on the federal government to subsidize trillions of dollars in research coming up with reversible sterilization techniques that will eliminate premarital pregnancies, which will be now known as "irresponsible procreation by people not required by law to do so."

Although Bible thumpers agree homosexuality was the main factor driving up the hetero divorce rates, some experts have come out to controversially suggest there's a slight chance extramarital affairs may have had something to do with at least a few cases.

Their solution, after a few billion dollars in scientific testing, is a lock-and-key mechanism implanted into the genitals of spouses to ensure no one will derive pleasure from sexual relations with another person ever again.

But some traditional marriage activists are calling for even stricter measures that will enforce arranged marriages between couples provided their age gap is under 70 years and based on the number of cows and sheep that can be wrangled together for a dowry.

LGBT activists released a statement to CAP News yesterday agreeing that the revisions seem fair now that they don't discriminate against any one group.

"Well, I guess we'll go home now," Miami-based activist Steve Adkins said through tears that may have been joy but were probably complete and utter misery streaming down his face. "It's kind of a weird feeling when you're a man without a cause.

"But I guess I'll spend some time on online dating, find a wife, and settle down," he said, sobbing uncontrollably. "Yup, that's what my future holds. A couple of kids for me and the missus. At least I won't have to pay so many taxes."

- CAP News Staff

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The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» New education reform bill replaces D's and F's with frownie-face stickers to soften the blow and help kids "feel successful even in their failures" «» Congressional oversight committee says it has "new information" and is reopening Iran-Contra investigation, will have Oliver North testify as soon as Hillary Clinton is done «» Judge Judy to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Supreme Court as part of effort to bring more wit and sarcasm to proceedings and appeal to 18-49 demographic «» President Obama invites kindergarten student to White House whose finger and thumb were mistaken for a gun at recess, but Secret Service has him wear a mitten on the hand "just in case" «» Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «»