Wednesday | April 1, 2015
SCOTUS Cites Facebook In Same-Sex Marriage Ruling
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg (front, center) pauses for a photo-op with his "Supreme Court homies."

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The Supreme Court has reversed course on a gay marriage decision, now basing their new ruling on the tenor of Facebook discussion.

The highest court had been planning to side with gay marriage proponents, but is now leaning toward saving traditional marriage as a means for propagating the species. The move appears to be influenced by the millions of Facebook users changing their profile pictures from the red equals sign to a menagerie of other symbols and dog portraits.

"It doesn't make any damn sense, but give the people what they want, I guess," Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg reportedly told her fellow judges.

The newly scribbled decision will mandate that all wedded couples must propagate within two years of becoming legally bound, according to sources who sit across the breakfast table from Chief Justice John Roberts. The wording would make gay marriage null and void.

"If my gym teacher was right, you can't make a baby that way," attorney Charles Cooper told the court during last month's hearings. "And isn't that what marriage is all about?"

Renamed Proposition 8 1/2, the measure will also suggest new legislative protocols to ban marriage for women over 50, men with vasectomies, closeted men identified by gaydar detector tests, hermaphrodites, women with three or more cats, men with coprophobia, Kanye West fans, and Kanye West. Marriage licenses will not longer be offered without fertility tests, and can be revoked if couples fail to spawn within two years.

The measure would call on the federal government to subsidize trillions of dollars in research coming up with reversible sterilization techniques that will eliminate premarital pregnancies, which will be now known as "irresponsible procreation by people not required by law to do so."

Although Bible thumpers agree homosexuality was the main factor driving up the hetero divorce rates, some experts have come out to controversially suggest there's a slight chance extramarital affairs may have had something to do with at least a few cases.

Their solution, after a few billion dollars in scientific testing, is a lock-and-key mechanism implanted into the genitals of spouses to ensure no one will derive pleasure from sexual relations with another person ever again.

But some traditional marriage activists are calling for even stricter measures that will enforce arranged marriages between couples provided their age gap is under 70 years and based on the number of cows and sheep that can be wrangled together for a dowry.

LGBT activists released a statement to CAP News yesterday agreeing that the revisions seem fair now that they don't discriminate against any one group.

"Well, I guess we'll go home now," Miami-based activist Steve Adkins said through tears that may have been joy but were probably complete and utter misery streaming down his face. "It's kind of a weird feeling when you're a man without a cause.

"But I guess I'll spend some time on online dating, find a wife, and settle down," he said, sobbing uncontrollably. "Yup, that's what my future holds. A couple of kids for me and the missus. At least I won't have to pay so many taxes."

- CAP News Staff

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A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «» Justice Department issues subpoena for all computer files related to Hillary Clinton's 2012 online journal, "My Benghazi Blog" «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»