Monday | December 22, 2014
SCOTUS Cites Facebook In Same-Sex Marriage Ruling
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg (front, center) pauses for a photo-op with his "Supreme Court homies."

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The Supreme Court has reversed course on a gay marriage decision, now basing their new ruling on the tenor of Facebook discussion.

The highest court had been planning to side with gay marriage proponents, but is now leaning toward saving traditional marriage as a means for propagating the species. The move appears to be influenced by the millions of Facebook users changing their profile pictures from the red equals sign to a menagerie of other symbols and dog portraits.

"It doesn't make any damn sense, but give the people what they want, I guess," Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg reportedly told her fellow judges.

The newly scribbled decision will mandate that all wedded couples must propagate within two years of becoming legally bound, according to sources who sit across the breakfast table from Chief Justice John Roberts. The wording would make gay marriage null and void.

"If my gym teacher was right, you can't make a baby that way," attorney Charles Cooper told the court during last month's hearings. "And isn't that what marriage is all about?"

Renamed Proposition 8 1/2, the measure will also suggest new legislative protocols to ban marriage for women over 50, men with vasectomies, closeted men identified by gaydar detector tests, hermaphrodites, women with three or more cats, men with coprophobia, Kanye West fans, and Kanye West. Marriage licenses will not longer be offered without fertility tests, and can be revoked if couples fail to spawn within two years.

The measure would call on the federal government to subsidize trillions of dollars in research coming up with reversible sterilization techniques that will eliminate premarital pregnancies, which will be now known as "irresponsible procreation by people not required by law to do so."

Although Bible thumpers agree homosexuality was the main factor driving up the hetero divorce rates, some experts have come out to controversially suggest there's a slight chance extramarital affairs may have had something to do with at least a few cases.

Their solution, after a few billion dollars in scientific testing, is a lock-and-key mechanism implanted into the genitals of spouses to ensure no one will derive pleasure from sexual relations with another person ever again.

But some traditional marriage activists are calling for even stricter measures that will enforce arranged marriages between couples provided their age gap is under 70 years and based on the number of cows and sheep that can be wrangled together for a dowry.

LGBT activists released a statement to CAP News yesterday agreeing that the revisions seem fair now that they don't discriminate against any one group.

"Well, I guess we'll go home now," Miami-based activist Steve Adkins said through tears that may have been joy but were probably complete and utter misery streaming down his face. "It's kind of a weird feeling when you're a man without a cause.

"But I guess I'll spend some time on online dating, find a wife, and settle down," he said, sobbing uncontrollably. "Yup, that's what my future holds. A couple of kids for me and the missus. At least I won't have to pay so many taxes."

- CAP News Staff

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The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over the holidays due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «»