Monday | July 6, 2015
SCOTUS Cites Facebook In Same-Sex Marriage Ruling
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg (front, center) pauses for a photo-op with his "Supreme Court homies."

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The Supreme Court has reversed course on a gay marriage decision, now basing their new ruling on the tenor of Facebook discussion.

The highest court had been planning to side with gay marriage proponents, but is now leaning toward saving traditional marriage as a means for propagating the species. The move appears to be influenced by the millions of Facebook users changing their profile pictures from the red equals sign to a menagerie of other symbols and dog portraits.

"It doesn't make any damn sense, but give the people what they want, I guess," Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg reportedly told her fellow judges.

The newly scribbled decision will mandate that all wedded couples must propagate within two years of becoming legally bound, according to sources who sit across the breakfast table from Chief Justice John Roberts. The wording would make gay marriage null and void.

"If my gym teacher was right, you can't make a baby that way," attorney Charles Cooper told the court during last month's hearings. "And isn't that what marriage is all about?"

Renamed Proposition 8 1/2, the measure will also suggest new legislative protocols to ban marriage for women over 50, men with vasectomies, closeted men identified by gaydar detector tests, hermaphrodites, women with three or more cats, men with coprophobia, Kanye West fans, and Kanye West. Marriage licenses will not longer be offered without fertility tests, and can be revoked if couples fail to spawn within two years.

The measure would call on the federal government to subsidize trillions of dollars in research coming up with reversible sterilization techniques that will eliminate premarital pregnancies, which will be now known as "irresponsible procreation by people not required by law to do so."

Although Bible thumpers agree homosexuality was the main factor driving up the hetero divorce rates, some experts have come out to controversially suggest there's a slight chance extramarital affairs may have had something to do with at least a few cases.

Their solution, after a few billion dollars in scientific testing, is a lock-and-key mechanism implanted into the genitals of spouses to ensure no one will derive pleasure from sexual relations with another person ever again.

But some traditional marriage activists are calling for even stricter measures that will enforce arranged marriages between couples provided their age gap is under 70 years and based on the number of cows and sheep that can be wrangled together for a dowry.

LGBT activists released a statement to CAP News yesterday agreeing that the revisions seem fair now that they don't discriminate against any one group.

"Well, I guess we'll go home now," Miami-based activist Steve Adkins said through tears that may have been joy but were probably complete and utter misery streaming down his face. "It's kind of a weird feeling when you're a man without a cause.

"But I guess I'll spend some time on online dating, find a wife, and settle down," he said, sobbing uncontrollably. "Yup, that's what my future holds. A couple of kids for me and the missus. At least I won't have to pay so many taxes."

- CAP News Staff

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Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» World Trade Organization approves putting 'Country Of Origin' labels on immigrants coming into the US to help Americans better target their discrimination «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «»