Thursday | April 24, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@AntoninScalia #PlightOfTheWigger
Wiggers descend on Washington to show support for their fellow wigger as the Supreme Court takes up civil rights for wiggers.
FROM THE VAULT
April 17, 2008
NHL Asks Pope To Skate For Rangers Vs DevilsNHL Asks Pope To Skate For Rangers Vs Devils
Fake Advertisement

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

FBI Closer To Not Solving Gardner Museum Heist

FBI Closer To Not Solving Gardner Museum Heist
FBI officials release a composite sketch of the unidentified suspects to the public.

BOSTON (CAP) - The FBI has announced new developments in the case of the decades-old unsolved theft of $500 million of art from Boston's Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum.

Although authorities have not disclosed the identities of the individuals suspected of this crime, they have confirmed that they know without a doubt that the thieves who boldly looted the museum 23 years ago are, in the words of one investigator, "Definitely male - or possibly female. It is likely that he, she, they, or it are also fond of art. Or at least, were at some point."

According to law enforcement officials, evidence supports the theory that the suspects, whose names have not yet been released to the public, are also fluent in English, Spanish, or another language.

"We have reason to believe the thieves communicated with one another - orally and perhaps in writing - before, after, and possibly even during the actual heist," said the lead investigator on the case, who refused to reveal his identity to the press, although he was wearing a badge which read Special Agent William Larson, as well as a name tag reading Hello, My Name Is with Bill scrawled in marker beneath it.

He added, "I can also confirm that some or all of them are currently living in the continental U.S., if they are in fact living, and that for the most part they are just awful people. Criminals, in fact."

Officials have begun an advertising campaign to to raise public awareness of the stolen masterworks - in the event that one of the paintings happens to be hanging behind the reception desk of a Holiday Inn, or is perhaps being used as a coaster by an unsuspecting individual.

Billboards featuring an image of one of the famous paintings, along with an 800-number and the words "DID YOU STEAL THIS? DO YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS? IF SO PLEASE TELL US - SINCERELY, THE FBI" will be erected throughout New England.

"We are working hard to ensure that someday soon these paintings will be restored to their rightful place - or, that other painters will be inspired enough to step it up a notch and paint some better paintings to replace them," one official related to the case told reporters.

He added, "It is also our hope that the art thieves are reading this very article right now - perhaps while sitting at a diner in Cleveland or Nantucket, or maybe Iowa ... Am I getting warmer, guys? Someone, cough if I am. If they are, and if by extension they are still living, I hope they know that a 23-year-old net is closing in on them, and fast."

He declined to offer further proof of this, saying that while they could easily identify the suspects to the public, "we don't feel like it right now." He then added, "I am being serious."

The official then asked if anyone in the press might have possibly seen any of the paintings, appearing deflated when no one had.


- Molly Schoemann
Contributing Writer

MORE u.s. NEWS
  • Texas To Execute 15 For Charity

    Gov. Perry denies that he plans to televise the event for a new Fox reality show entitled, "So You Wanna Execute A Criminal?" to air during Obama's next speech.

Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie has announced the closure of all exits on the Turnpike whose numerical value is a prime number, but says the move is not politically motivated. "You better know your math before you go driving," he said. "Else you could be in for a very long trip." «» Convicted mobster Whitey Bulger has been sentenced to spend life in prison while his appendages are being nibbled on by rats. "It's not just regular justice, but poetic justice as well," said the prosecutor. "We'll be sure to slather on some Cheez Wiz to make certain he's good and tasty." «» Ohio prisons officials have accidentally given the flu vaccine to death row inmate Ronald Phillips instead of a lethal injection due to a drug mix-up. "We expected to see him writhing in agony, but he's healthy as an ox now," said the warden. "No, he won't be dying anytime soon." «» Fending off calls for her resignation following problems accessing the Obamacare website, Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius has launched an online poker website just to prove she can. "Hey, we're gambling with people's healthcare, so they might as well enjoy some Texas Hold'em while we suck them dry," she noted. «» Maryland Attorney General Douglas Gansler stumbled across a robbery while at the bank yesterday but says he didn't notice it and just went about his business. "In hindsight, the guys wearing masks and brandishing guns should have clued me in," he said. "Thankfully, that's only the second mistake I've made." «» NSA leaker Edward Snowden stopped by the U.S. for a visit, saying he feels safe with the government shut down and nobody working. "Edward who?" said the lone NSA employee in the office. "I can barely keep up with all these wiretaps by myself, let alone chase that guy around." «» The National Weather Service is vowing to engulf America in "the winter from Hell" if the government shutdown doesn't cease and their paychecks resume. "Tornado watches on the East Coast are nothing compared to what we have in store," said one official. "And you thought we just predicted the weather." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»
    America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie has announced the closure of all exits on the Turnpike whose numerical value is a prime number, but says the move is not politically motivated. "You better know your math before you go driving," he said. "Else you could be in for a very long trip." «» Convicted mobster Whitey Bulger has been sentenced to spend life in prison while his appendages are being nibbled on by rats. "It's not just regular justice, but poetic justice as well," said the prosecutor. "We'll be sure to slather on some Cheez Wiz to make certain he's good and tasty." «» Ohio prisons officials have accidentally given the flu vaccine to death row inmate Ronald Phillips instead of a lethal injection due to a drug mix-up. "We expected to see him writhing in agony, but he's healthy as an ox now," said the warden. "No, he won't be dying anytime soon." «» Fending off calls for her resignation following problems accessing the Obamacare website, Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius has launched an online poker website just to prove she can. "Hey, we're gambling with people's healthcare, so they might as well enjoy some Texas Hold'em while we suck them dry," she noted. «» Maryland Attorney General Douglas Gansler stumbled across a robbery while at the bank yesterday but says he didn't notice it and just went about his business. "In hindsight, the guys wearing masks and brandishing guns should have clued me in," he said. "Thankfully, that's only the second mistake I've made." «» NSA leaker Edward Snowden stopped by the U.S. for a visit, saying he feels safe with the government shut down and nobody working. "Edward who?" said the lone NSA employee in the office. "I can barely keep up with all these wiretaps by myself, let alone chase that guy around." «» The National Weather Service is vowing to engulf America in "the winter from Hell" if the government shutdown doesn't cease and their paychecks resume. "Tornado watches on the East Coast are nothing compared to what we have in store," said one official. "And you thought we just predicted the weather." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»