Monday | August 31, 2015
FBI Closer To Not Solving Gardner Museum Heist
FBI officials release a composite sketch of the unidentified suspects to the public.

BOSTON (CAP) - The FBI has announced new developments in the case of the decades-old unsolved theft of $500 million of art from Boston's Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum.

Although authorities have not disclosed the identities of the individuals suspected of this crime, they have confirmed that they know without a doubt that the thieves who boldly looted the museum 23 years ago are, in the words of one investigator, "Definitely male - or possibly female. It is likely that he, she, they, or it are also fond of art. Or at least, were at some point."

According to law enforcement officials, evidence supports the theory that the suspects, whose names have not yet been released to the public, are also fluent in English, Spanish, or another language.

"We have reason to believe the thieves communicated with one another - orally and perhaps in writing - before, after, and possibly even during the actual heist," said the lead investigator on the case, who refused to reveal his identity to the press, although he was wearing a badge which read Special Agent William Larson, as well as a name tag reading Hello, My Name Is with Bill scrawled in marker beneath it.

He added, "I can also confirm that some or all of them are currently living in the continental U.S., if they are in fact living, and that for the most part they are just awful people. Criminals, in fact."

Officials have begun an advertising campaign to to raise public awareness of the stolen masterworks - in the event that one of the paintings happens to be hanging behind the reception desk of a Holiday Inn, or is perhaps being used as a coaster by an unsuspecting individual.

Billboards featuring an image of one of the famous paintings, along with an 800-number and the words "DID YOU STEAL THIS? DO YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS? IF SO PLEASE TELL US - SINCERELY, THE FBI" will be erected throughout New England.

"We are working hard to ensure that someday soon these paintings will be restored to their rightful place - or, that other painters will be inspired enough to step it up a notch and paint some better paintings to replace them," one official related to the case told reporters.

He added, "It is also our hope that the art thieves are reading this very article right now - perhaps while sitting at a diner in Cleveland or Nantucket, or maybe Iowa ... Am I getting warmer, guys? Someone, cough if I am. If they are, and if by extension they are still living, I hope they know that a 23-year-old net is closing in on them, and fast."

He declined to offer further proof of this, saying that while they could easily identify the suspects to the public, "we don't feel like it right now." He then added, "I am being serious."

The official then asked if anyone in the press might have possibly seen any of the paintings, appearing deflated when no one had.

- Molly Schoemann
Contributing Writer

SHARE STORY
MORE u.s. NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «»
State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «»