Wednesday | April 23, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@DanielSnyder #WashingtonCrackers
RGIII dons the new team apparel during a recent practice.
FROM THE VAULT
April 17, 2008
NHL Asks Pope To Skate For Rangers Vs DevilsNHL Asks Pope To Skate For Rangers Vs Devils
Fake Advertisement

RELIGION

Survey Says Catholics Upset Over Pope's Catholic Views

Survey Says Catholics Upset Over Pope's Catholic Views
One unmarried Catholic expresses her sentiments on the streets of the Vatican.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - American Catholics this week, while generally happy with the newly elected Pope Francis, expressed disappointment that the new head of the Catholic Church insisted on espousing such Catholic views.

A new study out of the Pew Research Center said that while 74 percent of American Catholics approve of Archbishop Jorge Mario Bergoglio's appointment as pontiff, almost 60 percent wished he held different views on abortion, premarital sex, contraception and same-sex marriage.

"Most respondents questioned why the pope has to be so darn Catholic, to use a phrase that came up over and over again," said Pew spokesman Dr. Francis Spitznagel. In addition to those issues mentioned above, most Catholics weren't thrilled with the new pope's views on adultery, masturbation and "pretty much any of that sex stuff," said Spitznagel, again quoting the study.

"Just once I'd like to see a pope who didn't have a problem with premarital sex," said Carole Thomson, 29, who describes herself as a "devout Catholic" who nonetheless has never married and has had 19 sexual partners, some of them women.

"It seems kind of backward in this day and age to have the leader of the Catholic Church unwilling to bend on some of these things," she said, referring to the basic tenets of the Catholic religion that the pope is sworn to uphold.

Most Catholics did agree, though, that Pope Francis was an improvement over Pope Benedict, whose excuse for not stopping the church's child sex abuse scandal was that he was hard of hearing and thought the priests were actually "amusing" children.

"Also, we're pretty sure the new guy's not a Nazi, so there's that," said Thomson.


- CAP News Staff

MORE world NEWS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «» Secretary of State John Kerry says he's "stumped" trying to think of a big word to call Israel in retaliation for being labeled "messianic" by their defense minister. "Frankly, I don't even know what that word means," said Kerry. "Funny how they have a better English vocabulary than we do." «» Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admits he once ran through City Hall while holding a pair of scissors after video surfaced showing him doing so. "What else does Toronto have to endure at the hands of this madman?" wrote one local blogger. "I don't even trust him with safety scissors." «» Iran President Hassan Rouhani says he will give United Nations inspectors access to his country's movie theatres in time for the premiere of Catching Fire. "What a radical shift from Ahmadinejad, who wouldn't let anyone watch The Hunger Games," said one UN official. "I hope we get some popcorn, too." «» Explorers combing through a desolate section of the Amazon have uncovered a lost tribe of indigenous peoples whose customs have turned popular theory upside down. "We've run numerous experiments, and it turns out these people actually don't like parades," said one researcher. "Next we're going to try them with pie." «» A new report reveals Iranian President Hassan Rouhani has his fingers crossed every time he says he wants amicable diplomatic relations with the West. "We started getting suspicious when he wouldn't shake anyone's hand," said a source. "So we think his Peaceful Bomb Program may be code for something else." «» Germany is formally asking the United States to stop eavesdropping on conversations and remove the hidden cameras that spy on Chancellor Angela Merkel while she's getting dressed. "Seriously? She's like 75 years old. That's just gross," said one German official. "And the Chancellors Gone Wild website is completely uncalled for." «» China is warning of "catacrysmic repelcussions" if Congress doesn't raise the debt ceiling so America can pay its loans to the motherland. "First we repossess Louisiana Purchase and build lots of factory there," said President Xi Jinping. "Next we tax bejesus out of pork fried rice. Should I go on?" «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»
    Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «» Secretary of State John Kerry says he's "stumped" trying to think of a big word to call Israel in retaliation for being labeled "messianic" by their defense minister. "Frankly, I don't even know what that word means," said Kerry. "Funny how they have a better English vocabulary than we do." «» Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admits he once ran through City Hall while holding a pair of scissors after video surfaced showing him doing so. "What else does Toronto have to endure at the hands of this madman?" wrote one local blogger. "I don't even trust him with safety scissors." «» Iran President Hassan Rouhani says he will give United Nations inspectors access to his country's movie theatres in time for the premiere of Catching Fire. "What a radical shift from Ahmadinejad, who wouldn't let anyone watch The Hunger Games," said one UN official. "I hope we get some popcorn, too." «» Explorers combing through a desolate section of the Amazon have uncovered a lost tribe of indigenous peoples whose customs have turned popular theory upside down. "We've run numerous experiments, and it turns out these people actually don't like parades," said one researcher. "Next we're going to try them with pie." «» A new report reveals Iranian President Hassan Rouhani has his fingers crossed every time he says he wants amicable diplomatic relations with the West. "We started getting suspicious when he wouldn't shake anyone's hand," said a source. "So we think his Peaceful Bomb Program may be code for something else." «» Germany is formally asking the United States to stop eavesdropping on conversations and remove the hidden cameras that spy on Chancellor Angela Merkel while she's getting dressed. "Seriously? She's like 75 years old. That's just gross," said one German official. "And the Chancellors Gone Wild website is completely uncalled for." «» China is warning of "catacrysmic repelcussions" if Congress doesn't raise the debt ceiling so America can pay its loans to the motherland. "First we repossess Louisiana Purchase and build lots of factory there," said President Xi Jinping. "Next we tax bejesus out of pork fried rice. Should I go on?" «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»