Thursday | September 18, 2014
Schoenborn Nails Swim Suit But Not Enough For Pope
Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn takes a stroll on the catwalk.

THE VATICAN (CAP) - As white smoke started to clear outside the papal conclave, details from inside the meeting began to emerge from various high-ranking officials and their manservants.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, sources say the artist formerly known as Jorge "Franny" Bergoglio took the Papal Crown in a surprise upset in which Austrian Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn had been a favorite to win.

The competition was grueling, with at least 20 cardinals chosen to strut their stuff during the closed-door sessions.

Multiple reports say Schoenborn nailed the swimsuit contest, looking fierce in a red two-piece that accentuated his abs, and had mastered the art of walking in stilettos, a skill integral to the Pope's role of walking on eggshells around questions of sexual abuse.

But his reputation as a mama's boy did Schoenborn in. Even his vocal talents during a puppet show using the heads of Sts. Peter and Paul, with Schoenborn dressed as the Virgin Mary, couldn't save him.

"He really did make it sound like those severed heads were talking," said Cardinal Timothy Dolan. "But in the end, I just couldn't vote for the guy."

- CAP News Staff

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