Monday | January 26, 2015
Schoenborn Nails Swim Suit But Not Enough For Pope
Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn takes a stroll on the catwalk.

THE VATICAN (CAP) - As white smoke started to clear outside the papal conclave, details from inside the meeting began to emerge from various high-ranking officials and their manservants.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, sources say the artist formerly known as Jorge "Franny" Bergoglio took the Papal Crown in a surprise upset in which Austrian Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn had been a favorite to win.

The competition was grueling, with at least 20 cardinals chosen to strut their stuff during the closed-door sessions.

Multiple reports say Schoenborn nailed the swimsuit contest, looking fierce in a red two-piece that accentuated his abs, and had mastered the art of walking in stilettos, a skill integral to the Pope's role of walking on eggshells around questions of sexual abuse.

But his reputation as a mama's boy did Schoenborn in. Even his vocal talents during a puppet show using the heads of Sts. Peter and Paul, with Schoenborn dressed as the Virgin Mary, couldn't save him.

"He really did make it sound like those severed heads were talking," said Cardinal Timothy Dolan. "But in the end, I just couldn't vote for the guy."

- CAP News Staff

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Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» Vladimir Putin voted sexiest man in Russia with 100% of the vote for eighth year running, celebrates with topless serenade around Kremlin «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «» Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «» Texas appeals court upholds ruling that bans sale of home abortion kits, says instructional DVD not detailed enough and needs better actors «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «»