Sunday | December 21, 2014
Schoenborn Nails Swim Suit But Not Enough For Pope
Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn takes a stroll on the catwalk.

THE VATICAN (CAP) - As white smoke started to clear outside the papal conclave, details from inside the meeting began to emerge from various high-ranking officials and their manservants.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, sources say the artist formerly known as Jorge "Franny" Bergoglio took the Papal Crown in a surprise upset in which Austrian Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn had been a favorite to win.

The competition was grueling, with at least 20 cardinals chosen to strut their stuff during the closed-door sessions.

Multiple reports say Schoenborn nailed the swimsuit contest, looking fierce in a red two-piece that accentuated his abs, and had mastered the art of walking in stilettos, a skill integral to the Pope's role of walking on eggshells around questions of sexual abuse.

But his reputation as a mama's boy did Schoenborn in. Even his vocal talents during a puppet show using the heads of Sts. Peter and Paul, with Schoenborn dressed as the Virgin Mary, couldn't save him.

"He really did make it sound like those severed heads were talking," said Cardinal Timothy Dolan. "But in the end, I just couldn't vote for the guy."

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE world NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2014 BY CAP NEWS
North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «»
North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «»