SATIRE

A new study finds that teenagers who regularly use a baby pacifier are 95% less likely to become bullies than those who don't. The positive results come on the heels of Michelle Obama's new Binkies For Bullies program that aims to reduce incidents of bullying by turning perpetrators into targets. «» A new study suggests tomatoes may be unhealthy because we've been consuming them incorrectly. "We all grew up thinking tomatoes were a vegetable when they're actually a fruit, yet we continue to serve them like a vegetable," said one researcher. "We're eating them wrong, and it's going to cost us." «» After successfully growing a kidney in a laboratory, scientists at Mass. General Hospital have now also managed to grow a pair, a breakthrough expected to help men overcome their fear of women. "Imagine approaching women of your own volition without alcohol," said one scientist. "You're just one organ transplant away." «» President Obama has announced that Hispanics will be the next ethnic group unfairly targeted with racial profiling by federal law enforcement agencies. "We've done a pretty good number on Muslims over the past decade," Obama said. "I think it's time America took on a new challenge and broadened our horizons." «» With the recent flight of its fifth manned space mission, China is poised to become the first nation to successfully launch a fully operational orbiting forced labor camp. Astronauts on board the country's space station module will spend two years testing the effects of weightlessness on human rights abuses. «» New data released from the leaked NSA telephone surveillance tapes reveals that Americans are ordering out for pizza at an alarming rate yet not calling their mothers nearly as much as they should. However, hour-long conversations with fathers explaining how to open a Word document remain at an all-time high. «» The Pentagon is accusing Chinese cyberspies of hacking the Twitter accounts of thousands of teenage girls after a flurry of mean, vindictive tweets surfaced. "We knew no one would ever purposefully post such awful things about their own friends," said one official. "So we figured it had to be China." «» The FBI has intercepted a chain letter sent to President Obama promising money in the mail if he adds his name to the list and sends it to five friends. "We're still investigating the source," said an agent. "But the fourth name is Joe Biden, so we have an idea." «» Amazon has successfully cracked the Chinese market with an app that helps government leaders keep track of forced labor camps via smartphones. "If the way into a man's heart is through his stomach, then the way into China is through their human rights abuses," officials said. "Can you say goldmine?" «» Major League Baseball has signed an exclusive deal with the document sharing app Evernote to disseminate player steroid information among managers real-time during games. "Sometimes it's tough to tell if a guy's juicing," said one manager. "But thanks to this app, I'll know without even leaving the dugout steps." «»

A new study finds that teenagers who regularly use a baby pacifier are 95% less likely to become bullies than those who don't. The positive results come on the heels of Michelle Obama's new Binkies For Bullies program that aims to reduce incidents of bullying by turning perpetrators into targets. «» A new study suggests tomatoes may be unhealthy because we've been consuming them incorrectly. "We all grew up thinking tomatoes were a vegetable when they're actually a fruit, yet we continue to serve them like a vegetable," said one researcher. "We're eating them wrong, and it's going to cost us." «» After successfully growing a kidney in a laboratory, scientists at Mass. General Hospital have now also managed to grow a pair, a breakthrough expected to help men overcome their fear of women. "Imagine approaching women of your own volition without alcohol," said one scientist. "You're just one organ transplant away." «» President Obama has announced that Hispanics will be the next ethnic group unfairly targeted with racial profiling by federal law enforcement agencies. "We've done a pretty good number on Muslims over the past decade," Obama said. "I think it's time America took on a new challenge and broadened our horizons." «» With the recent flight of its fifth manned space mission, China is poised to become the first nation to successfully launch a fully operational orbiting forced labor camp. Astronauts on board the country's space station module will spend two years testing the effects of weightlessness on human rights abuses. «» New data released from the leaked NSA telephone surveillance tapes reveals that Americans are ordering out for pizza at an alarming rate yet not calling their mothers nearly as much as they should. However, hour-long conversations with fathers explaining how to open a Word document remain at an all-time high. «» The Pentagon is accusing Chinese cyberspies of hacking the Twitter accounts of thousands of teenage girls after a flurry of mean, vindictive tweets surfaced. "We knew no one would ever purposefully post such awful things about their own friends," said one official. "So we figured it had to be China." «» The FBI has intercepted a chain letter sent to President Obama promising money in the mail if he adds his name to the list and sends it to five friends. "We're still investigating the source," said an agent. "But the fourth name is Joe Biden, so we have an idea." «» Amazon has successfully cracked the Chinese market with an app that helps government leaders keep track of forced labor camps via smartphones. "If the way into a man's heart is through his stomach, then the way into China is through their human rights abuses," officials said. "Can you say goldmine?" «» Major League Baseball has signed an exclusive deal with the document sharing app Evernote to disseminate player steroid information among managers real-time during games. "Sometimes it's tough to tell if a guy's juicing," said one manager. "But thanks to this app, I'll know without even leaving the dugout steps." «»