- Girl Scouts: The Silent Killers
- Ray Lewis Named New Pope
- John Edwards Admits Fathering Clay Aiken's Baby
Ray Lewis Named New Pope
VATICAN CITY (CAP) - With elderly and ailing Pope Benedict XVI stepping down, Catholic cardinals have quickly selected his replacement - former Baltimore Ravens linebacker and two-time Super Bowl champion Ray Lewis.
"Look, not to take anything away from him, but Benny - he was kind of wishy-washy. How you say in America - a wussy," said Cardinal Angelo Sodano, dean of the College of Cardinals. "So we pick someone strong, someone forceful, someone with intimidation - the Ray Lewis.
"As you know, one of our biggest problems is the priests getting amore with the alter boys," Sodano added. "Now Ray Lewis can pound them into the ground if they try to do the dinky-dinky touchy-touchy."
Reaction throughout the Catholic community was a mix of shock and surprise as the appointment marked a number of firsts for the papacy.
"The first American pope, the first black pope, the first I paid some people off to get out of an accessory to murder rap pope," said Ted Swain, chairman of the American Catholic League. "So, ah, yeah, it's just, ah, it's a lot of firsts."
Reached at his Maryland mansion, Lewis seemed even more impressed with himself than usual.
"When you have been called like I have by the Lord himself, to do the Lord's work, as told to you by the Lord, then Lord help everyone who isn't me," Lewis told CAP News. "The Lord told me to tackle all those people. The Lord told me to take those steroids. The Lord told me to hotwire my helmet audio so I could hear all the plays Tom Brady and Bill Belichick were calling.
"And now, the Lord has asked me to be the pope," Lewis added. "I'm not even sure what the pope is, to tell you the truth, but my options were either this or the Fox NFL show, so that's pretty much the equivalent of having no choice at all."
Lewis is expected to take over next month and will preside over all Sunday masses that follow, with the exception of the bye week.