Monday | December 22, 2014
President Clinton's Bones Found After 12 Years
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney fields questions about the former president and the now infamous pantry where the bones were found.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A team of researchers has discovered what they say are the bones of American President William Jefferson Clinton, who served the United States in that capacity from 1993 to 2001.

Scientists say they are convinced "beyond reasonable doubt" that the bones found tucked away in an old pantry in the White House belong to the former president, who was known for his womanizing, cigars and love of Big Macs.

Mitochondrial DNA extracted from the bones was matched to Chelsea Clinton, a civic activist and the only known descendant of President Clinton who now lives in New York City with her husband Marc, as well as a second donor.

Experts say other evidence found during the search - including roach clips, rolling paper and a small baggie of marijuana - strongly suggest that history's view of the president may have to be rewritten in some capacity.

"It is the academic conclusion of the National Institute of Justice's Forensic Sciences laboratory that the multitude of bones - many of them smoked in some capacity - belonged to President Clinton," said researcher Richard Steele. "Unlike what the history books say about him, it would appear that not only did he inhale, but he inhaled a lot."

The finding has called into question the cleanliness of the White House, which has been occupied by two presidents since Clinton's departure. However, researchers say the bones were discovered in a little-used pantry off the White House kitchen, crammed behind an old box of powdered milk and an unopened jar of capers.

"I always think that pantry smell a little funky," said White House kitchen aide Consuela. "And I am always saying to Mr. Joe [Biden], there is nothing in there that you need! But Mr. Joe, he no listen!

"And then later, Mr. Joe smell a little funky," Consuela added. "He's a strange one, that Mr. Joe."

The White House has yet to release an official statement on the finding, but sources say the bones and other paraphernalia will be put on display at the Smithsonian Institute in the new Slick Willy Exhibit alongside the storied gold necktie and stained blue dress.

- CAP News Staff

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Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «»