Thursday | March 26, 2015
President Clinton's Bones Found After 12 Years
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney fields questions about the former president and the now infamous pantry where the bones were found.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A team of researchers has discovered what they say are the bones of American President William Jefferson Clinton, who served the United States in that capacity from 1993 to 2001.

Scientists say they are convinced "beyond reasonable doubt" that the bones found tucked away in an old pantry in the White House belong to the former president, who was known for his womanizing, cigars and love of Big Macs.

Mitochondrial DNA extracted from the bones was matched to Chelsea Clinton, a civic activist and the only known descendant of President Clinton who now lives in New York City with her husband Marc, as well as a second donor.

Experts say other evidence found during the search - including roach clips, rolling paper and a small baggie of marijuana - strongly suggest that history's view of the president may have to be rewritten in some capacity.

"It is the academic conclusion of the National Institute of Justice's Forensic Sciences laboratory that the multitude of bones - many of them smoked in some capacity - belonged to President Clinton," said researcher Richard Steele. "Unlike what the history books say about him, it would appear that not only did he inhale, but he inhaled a lot."

The finding has called into question the cleanliness of the White House, which has been occupied by two presidents since Clinton's departure. However, researchers say the bones were discovered in a little-used pantry off the White House kitchen, crammed behind an old box of powdered milk and an unopened jar of capers.

"I always think that pantry smell a little funky," said White House kitchen aide Consuela. "And I am always saying to Mr. Joe [Biden], there is nothing in there that you need! But Mr. Joe, he no listen!

"And then later, Mr. Joe smell a little funky," Consuela added. "He's a strange one, that Mr. Joe."

The White House has yet to release an official statement on the finding, but sources say the bones and other paraphernalia will be put on display at the Smithsonian Institute in the new Slick Willy Exhibit alongside the storied gold necktie and stained blue dress.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE politics NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»
Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»